


Bottled Fire

by shadow_in_the_shade



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dom/sub, Dubious Consent, M/M, Mind Meld, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-29 03:47:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_in_the_shade/pseuds/shadow_in_the_shade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a sort of experiment where I'm borrowing all the graphic porn sections out of all my longer Kirk/Spock fics to make this one long monstrosity that is pure pwp all the sex scenes out of all the stories in one place. I'm curious to see how it goes down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Urges

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Guardiansaiyan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guardiansaiyan/gifts).



**This is set just after most of the events of the first movie, the night before the very last scene.**

**“Urges”**

The over- riding issue is of course the newly titled  _Captain_ James Tiberius Kirk. The promotion regrettably means that Kirk has been moved into Officers quarters and therefore become far less avoidable.

The temporary friendship they fell into while defeating Nero has faded into an awkward mutual avoidance. When they run into each other – frequently (due to reasons that will soon be made apparent) – they find themselves dancing round each other not quite knowing what to say or on what level of acquaintance to say it. Spock is torn between not wanting to even acknowledge Kirk, wanting to have him in every possible way and wanting to at the very least punch him in the face. This later usually occur when they meet later on in the evening when he sees Kirk heading back to his room with his latest conquest or conquests.

These conquests are part of the reason they run into each other as often as they do. After the first occasion, which  _was_ a genuine accident, Spock finds he has started to take walks at certain times of the day, telling himself that it is constitutional but really because he is working out the points at which his path is most likely to cross with the human's. This leads to the very uncomfortable feeling where outwardly he is relieved when they do not meet but inwardly feels empty and helpless like there's a hole in his chest.

The hopeless ache is less when he sees him, but only because it is replaced with a burning, irrational anger. He  _hates_ seeing Kirk with other men, women and species (he has noticed the infinite variation in his choices) – he hates it with a fiery passion that frightens him. It is the most illogical emotion he has ever had – there is technically no reason why he should have any opinion on the captain's sexual relations, not – although it somehow seems a very minor point – when he technically has a girlfriend himself.  _They_ quite emphatically  _do not_ have sexual relations, though it is not for lack of trying on Uhura's part. Spock is having to become more and more creative in his excuses to avoid this, even as a topic of conversation.

Logic aside however, Spock feels like all of his resolve is tested to the utmost every time he sees Kirk bringing home a new one. These semi – drunken antics only remind Spock what a despicable excuse for a life form the human is and how much he does not want him being with anyone else. His conflicted, dived self shrieks in his head –

_Despicable! See you said so yourself! Why do you even care what he does?_

_\- There is something here – he has – some part of me –_

_That makes no logical sense. You are merely intrigued by what you do not understand. This human is beneath you in every way –_

_\- yeah, I only wish –_

_What is that supposed to mean? This human is nothing to you!_

_\- I want this human, I want him so much I cannot bear it – I want – I want –_

_You're like a child and this ends now._

These thoughts buzz in his head like bees until he thinks he will crack in two with them – until the evening that he runs into Kirk literally on the point of his ushering a pair of beautiful (probably) Andonian twin sisters into his apartment. Usually this circumstance has elicited merely awkward nods and maybe a faint smirk from the human, but today something in him snaps and he cannot  _will not_ allow this to continue –

"Captain may I speak with you?"

All three of them stop on the threshold. Kirk squints incredulously, frozen in mid action. His lips are slightly parted – a fact Spock finds surprisingly hard to overlook. Kirk falls back into a grin and a shrug –

"Kinda busy right now Spock" he makes as if to finish this conversation and carry on as though that should be so obvious –

"Evidently captain –" Spock cuts in before he can escape, not entirely keeping the sarcasm out of his voice – "Nevertheless it is imperative that I speak to you  _now"._

Kirk glares at him, beginning to sound, as he would surely put it, extremely pissed off –

"Seriously Spock you're shitting me."

"Negative Captain, I …." He struggles to conjugate this unique verb – "I shit – you – not. Furthermore if you do not acquiesce to my request I will be forced to report you for unprofessional conduct."

He feels rather satisfied in seeing Kirk's expression move from incredulous and irritated to seriously angry. He feels even more satisfied to see the girls whisper amongst themselves, then pat Kirk consolingly on the shoulder before they saunter off.

"Hey –" Kirk tries to keep a hold of his conquests and when this fails turns back to Spock aggressively –

"See what you did?"

"Indeed captain" – perhaps some part of him meant for this to sound at least a little apologetic – but probably not.

"Well you don't have to sound so fucking happy about it! You think just because your girlfriend's a stuck up tight arse no-one else gets to have fun –"

"As a sound neither happy or sad about the matter – I would also question your definition of "Having fun" –  _captain."_

"Yeah, I damn well bet you would you fu-"

"Moreover reverting to name calling would indicate an unwillingness to concede to a superior point –"

"Fuck you Spock, you fuck me right off you fucking –"

"Your sentiments are infantile and your expression of them linguistically impoverished –"

"Fuck you to hell in a fucking handbag! What the hell was so damned important anyway?"

"May I suggest we converse inside?" Spock gestures the still open door with excessive politeness.

"Fuck that shit!"

Which is the point at which Spock finally loses his patience and pushes Kirk through the doorway, striding in after him and slamming the door behind him. He takes no little amount of satisfaction at seeing the human gasping with shock and breathlessness, glaring at him furiously –

"Captain, may I postulate the theory that it is now you who are emotionally compromised?"

"You bet your fucking ass I am!" splutters Kirk, furiously – "I'm fucking pissed off at being thrown through my own door by an insane fucking Vulcan when I was supposed to be getting laid!"

"I wonder captain –" Spock almost smirks, very purposefully locking the door before turning back to Kirk with a dangerous, hungry look – "Whatever makes you think you are not?"

_x_

  
Kirk blinks rapidly, computing this with an awkward slowness which, nonetheless affords Spock a malicious sense of satisfaction.

"Spock…." He begins. Slowly, trying to paraphrase this in a suitably Vulcan manner – "Are you indicating that you ….wish to.… engage in intercourse with me?"

Spock allows himself a decided un- Vulcan smirk, after all he is far past the point now of  _not_ allowing himself anything. For once it seems only logical to give in completely to instinct –

"You are mistaken captain –" he savours Kirk's confusion, advancing on the tensing human with slow, deadly intent – "I am making no indications nor expressing any wishes that I do not  _intend_ to carry out. I  _will_ fuck you –" he has never used to word in context before and is surprised to find that it excites him immensely. Less surprising is the hitch in the human's breath and the darkening of its eyes –

"With or without your consent." He adds, always intrigued at how Kirk can so often be clearly afraid and deeply aroused at the same time. Spock smirks again, suddenly aware of what he can say that will  _really_ annoy him –

"You might call it a no – win scenario".

It has the desired affect – Kirk lashes out instantly, impulsively, but still managing to catch Spock in the mouth, messily splitting his lip. Spock raises his hand to his mouth almost thoughtfully and flicks the blood to the floor disdainfully. No need to tell Kirk he was hoping for that, his smile says it all. He punches back, then pushes Kirk savagely, even as he bends over clutching his nose, sending him crashing into the bed behind him, lunging forward to straddle him and throw in a few more punches as Kirk flails helplessly trying to defend himself before Spock tightens his hands around his throat with cruel, mocking familiarity.

"Why do you insist of trying to fight me? You're weak and helpless and you will always lose. Moreover I do not think you even  _want_ to win."

- _Fuck you_ thinks Kirk.

"No –" snarls Spock – "It will be quite the reverse and you know it – Yes –" he continues in answer to the next silent question – "I can read  _every_ thought you have and you know that you've had this coming to you ever since the day of your disciplinary hearing –  _cheat"_ he adds, releasing much of his grip so that Kirk can reply out loud –

"Fucking stuck up pompous asshole –" he spits out between gasps.

"Shallow, arrogant  _slut"_ Spock retorts, quickly – "Yes  _captain_ I am well aware how many life – forms you've been out fucking while I thought only of you –"

He hadn't meant to say that and bites it back hard just a little too late; luckily the human is too dense to notice at this time –

"Have you been fucking stalking me? Fucking twisted creepy fuck- "

Spock snarls – Kirk wins no points for being correct in this – he squeezes hard at the human's throat, delighting to feel the flesh struggle and suffer beneath his fingers, then breaks off suddenly to slap him in the face repeatedly. The human flinches and gasps rather like a girl though his struggles are becoming increasingly half hearted. He almost pouts and the beauty of it hurts something in Spock's heart and he leans in, kissing Kirk fiercely, dragging his fingers down his neck until the human moans beneath the kiss and presses back with his own force and need and wanting. He pushes Kirk down to cease his wriggling, digging his fingernails hard into the shoulder to bruise, grinding his aching erection into Kirk's thrusting cock, leaning back to feel the friction of it, holding himself up with a hand around the man's throat. He stifles an actual groan as his cock rubs against the human's and savagely rips his shirt from the neck, exposing that perfect chest, seeing where his nails have left little marks in the shoulder and pressing on them gently and excruciatingly –

"You will not forget me like all the others –" he hisses, alarmed at how much pain the idea causes him – "I will make you remember this if I have to bruise every inch of your skin to do so." Kirk's eyes are wild and his thoughts fly back, a frantic  _yesyespleaseyes hurt me pleasegod that's good –_

Spock rips his nails across Kirk's chest angrily but also delighting in the feel of his skin, giving in to the long burning desire to touch him everywhere, his hands possessively roaming the swollen skin , head spinning at the hard – soft sweetness of him, brutally divesting him of his trousers, unsurprised to find that he is wearing nothing else. He looks down at the naked human just long enough for Kirk to start squirming uncomfortably.

"Spock – please –" he gets out through gritted teeth – "Fucking – do  _something!"_

Spock slaps him again, roughly pressing his still clothed erection against Kirk's – sizeable – naked one –

"You are in no position to instruct me  _captain"_ he sneers "I can assure you that I do none of this for  _your_ pleasure." Kirk groans, rather as though this is what he has wanted to hear his whole life and Spock runs wickedly gentle fingers across his thighs and torturously caresses his cock before squeezing gently –

"Beg me" he whispers. Kirk glares at him, eyes blazing , biting his lip to keep from cracking and Spock trails a teasing finger across the tight entrance he intends to penetrate until, barely seconds later, the human is yelling –

"Please!" Furious and crying with humiliation and lust – "Please Spock pleasepleaseplease!"

Kirk's cries ring deliciously in Spock's ears and his entire body sings with want and pleasure and he pushes a finger in, hissing as he does so –

"  _Please what?"_

Kirk makes a strangled sound , his breath warm against Spock's neck and he starts to wrap his legs around the Vulcan's back. The sensation is pleasant but Spock still pushes him down roughly, shoving a second finger into him without warning in punishment. He growls as Kirk screams and sobs, flailing and damp with sweat. He feels like silk and leather and oil to touch and Spock is almost undone by it, using his free hand to release his cock, head spinning and out of all control.

Kirk whimpers to feel the size of the thing pressing into his leg and screams harder as if hoping for a rescue that he does not really want – a torrent of vulgarisms and semi – religious inanity.

"Your screams will not help you captain" Spock sounds almost smug – "I can assure you that these walls are expertly soundproofed."

"….fucking arsehole bastard Vulcan piece of shit….." finishes Kirk's tirade before he pauses for breath and Spock pushes his legs up almost to his ears, holding on to his ankles, letting one flail briefly as he spits into his hand and rubs it into his cock before thrusting violently into him. The pleasure is so intense his ears ring with it and he fears he will explode instantly. It takes all his willpower not to just come there and then and he pushes in, impaling Kirk completely. The humans' thoughts are a mess of pain and screaming and mingled pleas for him to stop and  _please don't stop_ all at once – and it is wonderful to feel him around his cock and to feel him struggle and cry and still love it. Spock thrusts into him mercilessly over and over, snarling in barely silent ecstasy, his body tingling all over with delight at getting what it has wanted and needed for what feels like so long. The human contracts around him, squeezing his straining cock into a nightmare of pleasure and if there are any intelligible words to his thoughts it is only  _fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_ as he slams into his captain repeatedly, finally wrapping his hand oh so graciously around his cock to allow the poor human to come, which he does. Spock opens his eyes to watch as Kirk spasms beneath his touch, his eyes half closed, his mouth half open and he is so beautiful as he comes writhing and screaming –

"Fuckfuck – Jesusfuck- Spock –"

Hearing his name finishes him – that and the incredible clenching as Kirk comes and he jerks his hips roughly, driving deeply into him as he comes harder than he has ever done, with a growling cry of completion, so much pent up lust pouring out of him and flooding him with sweet relief.

He falls, shuddering across the warm, soft human body that is the best thing he has ever felt. For a moment they both just breathe, the Kirk starts to say something and Spock wishes that he wouldn't because he does not want to admit how good this feels, how much this feels like being where he is supposed to be always. Wanting to ignore that throbbing pain in the heart that suggests too powerfully that there is more here than just lust.

"Fuck Spock –" Kirk gasps – "That was –"

"Not finished" Spock cuts in quickly, not wanting to hear Kirk say something he has probably said to so many others. He pulls away – hard, or he feels he never will at all – standing up quickly –

"Get on your knees."

_x_

  
Kirk sits up like a sleepy child, blinking rapidly to clear his head. Spock wonders how, given the circumstances, he still has it in him to look a little shocked. Nevertheless he gets up and comes over on legs that are slightly wobbly but making a manful effort to control it that Spock is almost impressed by. He removes the ragged remains of the human's shirt and uses it to give his cock a cursory wipe before flicking it away. Kirk is so naturally submissive, despite all his outward appearance of arrogance that Spock finds it almost touching. On the other hand it is also a little annoying, as he had been hoping for an excuse to throw the human around some more; he compromises by pushing Kirk roughly to his knees, even though he is headed in that direction anyway.

Those blue eyes looking up at him almost adoringly as he awaits his orders are all the Vulcan needs to be almost completely hard again and he strokes the human's golden head softly, almost affectionately – soft like feathers – guiding those sweet lips to his cock, entering his ready mouth gently – it is too sublime a feeling to rush. His eyes half close involuntarily, heavy with pleasure, but he forces them open, determined to see those lips where he has always wanted them . That tongue is as skilled as he has always imagined it would be and feels so amazing as it flicks across his cock that he cannot stop himself from moaning. Unfortunately the human hears him and his eyes grin up at Spock, grinning wickedly and he can hear the smug satisfaction in Kirk's thoughts –

_-I made you make that noise and don't you forget it –_

So he shoves his cock angrily down Kirk's throat, making him choke spasmodically – which feels  _fucking amazing._ His eyes leak tears but still he glares back defiantly, eyes blazing as his throat gets used to a ridiculous amount of Vulcan cock.

Spock never ceases to be fascinated by the passion this human seems to emote constantly, the defiance, determination, anger and love on which he seems to run. It is overwhelming and arousing. Spock can barely imagine what it must be like going through every day like that. it is too much; he fucks Kirk's mouth aggressively instead and that mouth could be simply  _made_ for this purpose. Spock cannot help it, he puts his fingers gently to the side of Kirk's face to transfer the thought –

_You're much nicer when you're quiet._

_Yeah?_ Kirk sends back –  _fuck you._

Spock's touch becomes less gentle, probing the human's mind until it flinches, suspicion darting in his eyes and a tiny scared little thought, almost ashamed of itself –  _pleasedonthurtmeagain_ and Spock feels terrible for having violated his mind and his trust the way he had – which is frankly ironic at this time with the human bruised ad on his knees before him. Still he strokes kirk's temple much more tenderly than he had meant to, replying –

-  _Sorry, I'm s sorry – never meant to hurt you like that love –_

 _-Love?_ Mockery, almost unbearable, in Kirk's thoughts – but how his emotions do rollercoaster.

-  _Shut up_. Spock thrusts into Kirk's throat, choking his thoughts into silence, forgetting that awkward slip of the mind in the beautiful sensation of the human's throat contracting his cock into oblivion until he comes, growling, into his throat , holding his head cruelly in place and forcing him to take every last drop, jerking it into Kirk's mouth until he finally withdraws, satisfied. He pushes him gently back, thinking out the one word instruction –

-  _Bed._

_x_

They lie side by side, focussing on breathing, only gently touching; back of hand to back of hand. Spock understands from this that the human is intrigued by – as his mind phrases it – the touch telepathy thing. Spock wonders, resentfully, if this is just because he has not yet fucked anything else with this talent – he did not mean to transfer this though but somehow, accidentally, it just comes out. Fuck but this human seems to render him emotionally incontinent.

 _Spock are you_ jealous _?_ Kirk thinks back, delightedly.

Spock sends back some very emphatic silence.

 _Besides –_ Kirk adds –  _I bet you use this trick on all your lovers._

_\- Your assumption is irrelevant and consequently invalid._

_Woah Spock – are you saying –_

_\- Yes. Now –_ In his embarrassment Spock struggles to word the sentiment and it comes out in Vulcan –  _I' kap uh t'du ru-lat, sanu._

_Spock you know I don't speak Vulcan._

_\- I believe a very rough paraphrase would be do shut up please – Captain._

- _Oh._ A pause in Kirk's thoughts before he continues –  _Y'know Spock, under the circumstances I think you can call me Jim._

Silence. Strangely comfortable.

 _-Gotta tell you Spock –_ Kirk is enjoying the silent communication immensely, Spock can tell – like a sweet, exotic flavour on the tongue –  _Vulcan is kinda sexy._

_\- Captain I must inform you that an attempt to flirt with me would seem highly redundant at this stage._

_\- You say that Spock but you're still dressed and it's sad._

Spock almost smiles; it is hard to believe the human could react this way – so cool and frankly satisfied after he has been so used. Yet pleasant.

_-A situation I have every intention of rectifying._

He removes his clothes quickly and efficiently, aware that the human is watching him with wide, fascinated eyes. Lying back down he turns on to his side so that for once they are actually looking at each other, brown eyes to blue. He feels alarmingly naked, almost surprisingly so and wonders when it was he felt like this before – it is somehow familiar. It is hard to think with those eyes looking at him the way they are and the hand that reaches to stroke his skin with the tentative request –

_-You're beautiful, can I touch you?_

He raises an eyebrow –

_It would appear you already are._

It is not an answer, he knows, but suddenly he remembers where the feeling came from – the dream he had the night before the hearing and the powerful one word thought that comes back again unbidden –

- _T'hy'la._

The human frowns at him questioningly –

"What's T'hy'la?"

Hearing it spoken aloud jolts him painfully out of his thoughts – he had not realised that he had been thinking out loud – as it were –

"It's nothing – it – does not matter" he says, thinking quietly and closed –  _and you're not supposed to be able to do that! How can you read me when I do not chose for you too?_

"You cussing me in Vulcan? Cause that's just not –"

"Shut up" he growls, leaning in to kiss him and thus more effectively put a stop to this awkward exchange. He removes the human's explorative hand and twists it gently back onto the pillow beside him, moving gracefully over him to continue kissing him intently – just kissing him makes Spock want to moan with pleasure at the contact. With the edge taken slightly from his feverish lust he is able to spend time enjoying the feel of the soft human's skin against his own, how he squirms beneath his touch and kisses him back greedily, as though he could never get enough.

Spock too feels like he will never have had enough of this soft, delicious flesh, as he trails hands and lips and tongue down Kirk's chest, drowning in the warm deep ecstasy of him, hopelessly aware that this interlude is doing nothing to get the human out of his system as he had hoped it would do. It is possibly even having the reverse effect in that knowing how good he feels he will just want this more than ever. He is completely unable to stop himself from giving in to every need to touch, taste, feel – and it is both wonderful and awful.

The human, on the other hand, clearly functions on a far more primitive level and as he avails himself of Kirk's body Spock becomes very much aware of the erection, pressing with increasing intensity against his hip. At first he thinks he will do nothing about it and continues simply to possess the human roughly with his hands and mouth. It then occurs to him that these two activities can easily be combined to mutual benefit, though it is very much more out of his own selfish desire to consume that he takes Kirk's cock into his mouth, wrapping his hand around the shaft with infuriating gentility.

His intent is not, first and foremost, to give Kirk pleasure especially, but just to taste him and to know what he feels like in his mouth. But the human writhes madly beneath his ministrations, wriggling violently, babbling curse words and Spock's name over and over like a prayer and he understands the control he has over Kirk's feelings in this act and the knowledge makes him quite painfully aroused. He grips Kirk's hips to hold him still on the bed, at the same time transferring the thought –

 _I don't have to let you come, you know –_ and he curls his lip in a sort of awkward smirk as the human screams back silently –

_\- Oh god, please pleasepleaseplease you can't do this to me!_

And his hands clutch, twisting into the bed sheets and he is so desperately close, Spock thinks to him mockingly –

_It would be the worst thing if I were just to stop right now, wouldn't it?_

And Kirk cries out loud –

"Please Spock, god please don't stop, please let me come please, begging you –" until he is actually weeping with desperation and Spock takes pity on him –

_Very well. But do not forget that it is because I want you to and you beg so prettily –_

He flicks his tongue, fast and maddeningly over the tip of Kirk's cock before drawing him deep into his throat and he feels Kirk come with his entire body shuddering out his release and he tastes him in his throat, swallowing graciously but loving the act of consuming him utterly.

He releases his grip to let Kirk fall back, nearly swooning into the sheets, sliding up beside him to take his face in his hand and brush the damp hair back from his forehead. The human smiles at him with wide worshipful eyes and he feels that terrible ache again so strong he has to stop touching him so that it does not transfer –

-  _Aitlu nash-veh du, bolau nash – veh du, wukkuh vaksurik, aitlu nam tor t'nash- veh goh, kuon sum ashayam, sanu –_ Fuck –  _tahluk nash–veh k'dular – I love you –*_

\- and he knows suddenly, for the first time that it is not some figure of speech and only hopes the human cannot read it in his own horribly human eyes – I love you. He fears he will break apart from it. It is the absolute antithesis of logic, of everything that he has known and tried to be. He realises hopelessly that all this time he has been trying to break the human because otherwise this feeling will break  _him_ and break him utterly. It threatens to break his heart. There is only one cure he can think of right now and that is to fuck the human again, to bury himself in his body and hope against hope that it will get this feeling out, and so he sends out one more thought –

- _Want you – want you –_

A dull, throbbing thought, more broken than he had ever thought it could be, so fraught with pain and lust that Kirk looks at him with a concern the Vulcan can hardly stand –

 _It's nothing –_ he lies, to himself as much as to Kirk, desperately wishing it could be true –  _It's nothing – now turn over._

_x_

*** The Vulcan here translates (I hope) as – I want you, I need you, beautiful one, need you to be mine only, always beloved, please – I love you.**

**For anyone who is interested the whole of this story can be found at:**

<http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9409369/1/Urges>


	2. Goodnight Captain

**  
** **Set between the two movies, after the events of "Urges" Kirk and Spock have been trying to avoid each other.**

**Goodnight, Captain**

  
They carry on for several days, which is several days longer than either of them wants, both hoping that the other will crack first, both too stubborn to give in, both in agony with it.

On the eighth day Kirk stops being able to control his crankiness.

"It is your move captain" Spock says over chess, after he had waited ten minutes with Kirk staring apparently into space. Really Kirk had been staring at Spock's hand, laid innocuously on the table top –

_-Those hands on me, touching me, fireworks under the skin, bet he's forgotten, can't expect a Vulcan to ever give a shit – God I want to kiss them, lick his fingers, see him squirm, fucking pointy eared bastard –_

"Huh – what?" he starts.

"I was merely informing you that the next move is yours to make captain"

"Isn't it fucking always" snaps Kirk, moving his piece carelessly. Spock takes it with his instantly.

"I am not sure I understand your implication captain."

"Yeah I fucking bet you don't, Pointy."

"Neither can I see why you are getting personal and playing so poorly."

"You piss me off Spock, you know that?"

Spock frowns, not sure what there is to say to this, so instead says –

"It is your move again captain"

"Aargh!" growls Kirk – "It's always my fucking move! Why don't you make a goddamn move for a change huh?"

"I do not follow captain – I _have_ made mine – now it is your turn."

"Haven't you _just_ Spock?" Snarls Kirk, jumping up, knowing that he is behaving like an idiot but not able to stop himself – "You just take what you want and then forget all about it, leaving me to pick up the fucking pieces –"

He kicks out at the chessboard, sending it flying everywhere. It suddenly occurs to Spock that Kirk is no longer talking about chess and curses himself for his slowness in following metaphor. He opens his mouth to say something – unsure what exactly but possibly an apology – but Kirk charges straight on –

"Shut up Spock! If you tell me you don't understand one more time god help me I'll –"

He is shouting in Spock's face now, fists clenched. He is so emotional when he is angry Spock can almost feel the heat radiating from him and the lust and the passion he has been repressing so hard threaten to rise up and choke him –

" _You'll what –_ Captain?" He almost hisses, voice icy, eyes narrowing. Kirk raises a fist to punch him in the face but Spock's reflexes are too quick for him, as grabs Kirk's wrist holding him in mid punch while the human struggles to break free, cursing all the while –

"Fuck you Spock you fucking smug bastard, fuck you to hell".

Spock presses his lips together so tightly it hurts, fighting the urge to just slam the human into the floor and fuck him senseless, not caring if he breaks him. The urge is so strong he can clearly see it occurring but only with the silent cruel clenching of his fingers around Kirk's wrist does he make his anger clear.

"You should leave my quarters now". He heaves the words out painfully and laboriously, not hiding the threat therein, and because of the contact between them he lets slip the thought –

_I remember the last time you spoke to me like that._

And Kirk thinks –

- _Good god his eyes like black slits is he just really mad or hot for me? Cause god knows I'm both right now – also how do I leave when you won't let go my wrist jackass?_

Spock answers only his last question, throwing him back a little as he lets go, Kirk stumbling and glaring at him, holding his wrist and still refusing to leave.

"Get. Out." Spock spits through clenched teeth.

"Spock – can't we just –"

"We cannot -"

Spock turns his back on Kirk, not wanting to even look at him and wanting it too much, snarling through twisting lips – " _Good night Captain."_

Kirk slams his way out of the door so hard Spock is surprised that it does not break.

_x_

As the captain's cabin is only next door to his, Spock can hear as he stomps into his room, stomps across the floor and kick his shoes off angrily and into the wall before throwing himself onto his bed like a petulant teenager. Spock stays perfectly still, attempting to control his breathing and to quell the fire the human has set in him once again. Everything he tries, all the logic and meditation with which he has built such impenetrable walls around himself crumble into dust at the gentlest touch from this one person.

There are so many things that he should do, so many ways towards calm; but apparently Kirk affects him to the point of thinking like a human and he just thinks a fed up and frustrated _Fuck. This. Shit!_ And storms straight round next door ringing on the buzzer before he can let himself stop himself. Kirk calls an irritable "Come in!" and buzzes the door open without even asking who it is. Even _this_ makes Spock angry – Kirk is so _easy_ with his personal space, how many others does he just let in like this? Does he make himself available to anyone who just wants a piece? The thought tips him from illogical into furious.

"You should be more discriminating as to you privacy Captain" he says, tersely, striding in. Kirk glares up from his recumbent position, swinging himself up so that he is sitting on the side of the bed, glowering at his First Officer from under those beautiful eyelashes.

"Gee thanks Spock, I'll bear that in mind" he sneers, oozing sarcasm – "It's so good to know you have my best interests at heart – now what do you want?"

"Maybe I should ask you the same question."

"Me? I just want to not be plagued by some crazy – ass Vulcan who nearly broke my fucking wrist – again – or is that too much to ask _commander?"_

Spock says nothing and Kirk rises to his feet in irritation –

"I should fucking report you for assault on a superior officer you know that?"

"For which occasion were you referring captain? –" he is surprised to find himself actually uttering the next thought aloud – "When I tried to kill you or when I _fucking raped you?"_

He hisses the last words out, hardly able to believe he is saying them. The human however, is clearly either impervious to threats or enjoys them –

"Oh you do remember that then Mr Spock? Cause I thought you'd just forgotten –" It is all Spock can do not to hit him.

"I remember _everything_ Captain" he snarls, voice low and choked – " I remember every second and I cannot forget not lessen it with subsequent conquests as –"

" _Fuck_ that Spock! _You_ ran out on _me_ and you've been giving me that fucking Vulcan … _face_ ever since! So what if I try to forget when you so clearly don't give a shit? _You're_ the one with the fucking girlfriend for fucks sake!"

Spock bites his lip almost hard enough to draw blood –

"Those two words are not compatible in the same sentence in relation to Lieutenant Uhura, Captain –"

"Huh? You mean – ohhh-" realisation dawning on the Captain's face – "You mean you guys never – ohhhh, well _shit_ Spock!" and all of a sudden Kirk starts to giggle. Spock waits patiently for him to stop, his anger subsiding somewhat at the sight of the captain chuckling like a child. When he finally meets Kirk's eye he smiles every so fractionally. He reaches out a hand to turn the Captain's eyes to his own, cupping his face gently, effectively silencing his giggles but not the warmth in his eyes or in his voice when he says Spock's name with half a sigh and a silent _thank god_ on the end of it. Spock silences him, brushing a thumb across his lips _those lips – fuck yes I remember –_

"You asked me what I wanted Captain –" he says, his voice the only part of him under any kind of control and even that falters, his eyes half closing beneath the weight of having to feel –

"I want _you._ I always have. I want you constantly. I want to fuck you, to touch you, to use you for my pleasure whenever I desire – I _need_ you. Without this I am barely able to function. You think I feel nothing, believe me I feel _everything._ Every ounce of this lust of this – this feeling that I have for you pressing upon me until I fear I will break from it –"

He tries to pull away in pain and deep embarrassment but Kirk catches his hand, holding it in place, forcing him to look at him –

"Spock –" he strokes the Vulcan's cheek and Spock allows himself to be soothed by the surprisingly gently touch – "Spock I don't want you to break, I want what you want – also I have a habit of getting what I want and right now –"

_Captain –_ Spock interjects, firmly in silence – _Shut up,_ and he gives in, melting into the human, kissing him like he has wanted to since the first time. He has never quite understood human kissing before; it seemed messy and illogical, eliciting no response in him when Uhura had tried it. He wishes he had not just thought about Uhura, it reminds him that this is technically what humans call cheating. But it can't be can it? There had only ever been awkwardness with Uhura, this madness, this electricity between them, the mating dance of tongues and lips – this feels too right to be wrong. This feels like coming home and like the future all at once; as though to have ever had a moment's thought about anyone else had been an act of infidelity in waiting.

It occurs to him that the human probably does not share the half of his notions of fidelity and it makes him illogically desperate to possess him completely and make him his own. He takes Kirk's hand in his, palm to palm in Vulcan embrace, their fingers lacing together as though something is merely being fixed, melded into what it should always have been. He hears as it were an echo – _a friendship that will define you in ways you cannot yet imagine –_ and he remembers that sense that the other him was so much more perfect than him, completed and fully formed and yet at the same time broken . It seems he can hear echoes of his current actions rippling through time and reality. He can almost feel the loss that the other Spock felt constantly like a rip down the centre and he wants terribly to fix this, to make it better for all of them –

- _What's to fix Spock, is something wrong?_ Kirk thinks, hearing only half a thought through their interlocking fingers. They are not bonded and really, without Spock's choosing it the human should not hear his thoughts at all, but he does, at least a little and this only confirms what he was thinking, breaking off the kiss to shake his head, smiling faintly – _Echoes, infinite numbers of them in infinite realities, all of them one and together –_

_\- Didn't quite get that Spock_ Kirk thinks – _but I get that you're thinking about infinite realities_ _when you should be thinking about the infinite possibilities of me._

Spock smiles a genuine smile atKirk's cocky arrogance, he feels it warm the human's heart. He can feel Kirk's heartbeat, feel his body so vibrant and hot against his own and _fuck_ but he wants him immensely –

"It is somewhat the same thing" he says.

"Spock shut up and fuck me"

"Is that an order – Captain?"

"Any way you want it Commander –" he makes that _commander_ sound absolutely filthy and when he squeezes Spock's hand he adds the thought – _I know you'll take it anyway._

"Indeed" – Spock almost purrs – _You're learning._

  
He nudges Kirk back onto the bed, removing his shirt in the same perfectly fluid gesture. He throws it to the floor with one hand, pushing Kirk down firmly with the other, his hands tingly madly to feel the smooth hardness of his chest beneath them. A slightly disappointed thought from the human –

_You could have just ripped it._

_\- I've seen how quickly you get through shirts._

_You will do that again sometime though right?_

"Captain –" says Spock, sounding much more controlled than he feels – "There is nothing in this universe I do not intend to do to you, again and again. I will use you in whichever way I wish, whenever I desire it and the sooner you come to understand this the better. If you have any doubts about this please remember I am a Vulcan and we neither lie nor exaggerate."

Kirk swallows hard and the Vulcan delights in his desperate arousal. His already burning hard cock twitches to feel the human _absolutely dying of need_ as he thinks, beneath him. He runs his hands over the human body intrigued by the complex combination of firmness and vulnerability, both in body and in mind.

_-Your thoughts –_ He is not sure if it comes out as an instruction or a plea, he hopes for the former, fears the latter – _Give them to me. Give me them all, give me them freely._

_\- Yes,_ Kirk thinks – Yes, _Anything you want._

"I want all that you are Captain, mine always, but in the meantime I want to fuck you until you can no longer stand."

"Fuck…Spock…." he almost whines. Spock slaps him lightly and smirks to feel his petulant humiliation. He roughly, quickly removes Kirk's trousers, stroking his cock to torture rather than to please, eking out the litany of his thoughts in every wicked caress –

- _God please, yes, cannot bear it, yours always, just never stop touching me, god so good, no woman was ever –_

Spock removes his hand and hits him again, this time furiously –

"You will _not_ think of anyone else when I am with you –" he snarls, livid, trembling with a fury born of pain at the very thought – "Not in any way unless you wish me to hurt you more than you can bear, do you understand me _Captain?"_

Kirk's eyes widen with fear and lust, simultaneously so excited by having angered the Vulcan that he cannot reply. Spock's hands close savagely round his throat, maddened at the lack of an instant response.

" _You. Are. Mine –"_ he seethes – " _Mine._ Do not forget for one moment that I could kill you in an instant. I could hurt you until you wished I would and do not doubt that I _shall_ if you remind me of any of your past conquests you filthy, disgusting _whore –"_

He spits I kirk's face and lets go of his neck and can feel how Kirk is relieved and overjoyed by both actions. He listens tolerantly to the barely articulate babble of apology Kirk utters, while removing his shirt at the same time.

"Enough" Spock snaps, finally – "You are _not_ sorry. Not yet –" his lip curls cruelly – "But you will forget you ever touched anyone but me if I have to hurt you and fuck you every day and night for the rest of your life. You may signal that you understand."

Kirk nods, still struggling to regain his breath –

_\- Yes I understand – fuck – fucking insane fucked up Vulcan – I understand and I don't know if it scares the shit out of me or makes me wanna come right now –_

"I accept your understanding" Spock says, with excessive condescension, taking off the rest of his clothes as he speaks – "I will even pardon the insubordination – this time."

"Insubordination?" Kirk splutters – "For fucks sake, who's captain here?"

Spock raises an eyebrow, closing in upon him once more, eyeing his neck intently in a way that makes Kirk think a loud stream of –

_-Oh fuuuck, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck – Please not the neck again –_

So Spock twists his hand into Kirk's hair and pulls hard enough to make him nearly cry at the same time as bucking his hips in frustration and need.

"I think you are well aware of who is in charge here _Jim"_ Spock gloats, he gets back –

_Fuck, he called me Jim! About fucking time! But god damnit I'm the captain, I'm in control! Me! This is too much!_

"Sorry Jim, I didn't quite get that –" Spock adds a savage tug to the head that makes him want to laugh with delight.

_Fuck you Spock! I'm the fucking Captain! Ouch fuck that hurts god damnit!_

" _Who's_ in control here?" Spock hisses, pulling Kirk's head back fiercely until he does start to cry –

"Okay!" he screams – "Okay! Jesus – _fuck you!_ – You are I'm sorry you are damnit"

" _Good"_ Spock spits, letting go, pressing his rock hard erection against the sobbing whimpering human, stroking his hair to ease the pain, letting Kirk know that he has finally given the right answer and that this pleases him.

_\- Fucking pain, fucking evil sadistic - why do I even – god I want him, want to be his – I'm a wretched excuse for a life form – oh god what's wrong with me – want him to fuck me – need him to shove that fucking huge Vulcan cock in me – rip me to pieces –_

Spock smiles, unspeakably aroused by the human's desperate thoughts; he kisses him gently on the forehead, calming his tears –

_Yes –_ he thinks to him, tenderly – _yes._

"I am going to fuck you now Jim" he informs him, partly to see the blazing lust roar in the human's eyes and partly because he is finding that he really likes to say _fuck._ It is so exquisitely illogical and primal. Kirk twists, ready to turn himself over but The Vulcan pulls him towards him by the ankles, brutally –

_No_ he thinks, emphatically – _want you to look at me when I'm inside you._

He bends Kirk's legs back and guides his cock towards him –

_Spock please –_ Kirk's thoughts whimper, trying to be humble and to not panic at the same time – _Can I please get some lube this time?_

Spock rolls his eyes, with all the tolerance he can muster –

_You did ask so nicely – you have ten seconds._

Kirk frantically stretches for the drawer by the bed, producing a small bottle and handing it to Spock so hopefully. Spock smiles graciously, pouring a little into his palms and preparing his cock with infuriating languor, both delicious and frustrating to both parties. He throws the bottle aside and pulls the human to him again, holding back as much as he can bear as he enters him, forcing himself not to just slam straight into him but impaling him inch by inch upon his swollen aching cock. Even so Kirk screams and screams to be so completely filled with something so monstrously large. His screams simply heighten the Vulcan's lust and he looses the last scraps of his control, slamming savagely into Kirk in a frenzy of need, stroking his sweat drenched face and thinking through the haze of ecstasy –

_Forgive me. Had to. Need you._

He roars an incoherent cry of pleasure as he buries himself in the object of his desire, pulling out almost all the way to slam back in again fast. He does this repeatedly, ramming into Kirk again and again, only the faintest concern left now that he is hurting him. The human squirms frantically to try and make it less painful, but Spock holds him in place hard, thrusting into him feverishly –

_This is what you wanted-_ He snarls in silence – _when you wanted me this is what you wanted and this. Is. What. You. will. Get._

He thrusts in hard, burning alive with how good it feels and soon enough he hears Kirk's whimpers turn to gasps, hears his thoughts change from pain to wain and pleasure and then to pure pleasure –

_\- Fuck oh god please stop no more – I can't – oh god it hurts – hurts so good – god don't stop don't stop, god I'm so fucking hard –_

And a direct plea –

_\- Spock please let me touch myself –_

Spock sends back his consent and the human's hands go straight to his suffering cock, barely completely wrapped around himself before he is coming furiously, screaming incoherently.

Spock continues to ram him violently as long as he can but the human's orgasm tips him into wild and uncontrolled release and he comes hard on his heels, deep inside him, growling sounds he did not know were in him, shuddering out the last of his need and desperation into Kirk's body before collapsing onto him, groaning softly, their bodies sliding together, heaving and satisfied.

At least for now.

__x__

  
"Spock?" Kirk says dreamily, resting his head on the Vulcan's chest, Spock resting a gentle, possessive hand on his head.

"Mmm?"

"Next time don't keep me waiting so long, will you?"

"Captain," Spock says patiently "What part of "Every night and every day" did you not pay attention to?"

Kirk wriggles a little, happily, positively purring –

"But I kinda figured it was a figure of speech."

"I am a Vulcan Captain, we do not make –"

"-figures of speech, yeah yeah I get it."

"We also do mean everything we say even in intimate situations" Spock adds a little pointedly. He frowns to himself and Kirk feels him stiffen with faint anger and awkwardness.

"S'up Spock?"

Spock's chest tightens and he takes a deep breath –

"Captain you are irritating and illogical and I am not wholly convinced that you are even a likeable, certainly not a trustworthy individual –"

"Gee thanks Spock" huffs Kirk, rolling over in annoyance – "I should have known you'd suck at sweet nothings. You sure do know how to stroke a guy's ego."

Spock takes Kirk's shoulder and rolls him back over impatiently, positioning himself over the human once more and pinning his wrists down hard.

"You _will_ hear me." He snaps – "I have no intention of stroking your already over inflated ego, nor is what I have to say to you "Nothing" even by your standards. It is illogical and doubtless both foolish and self destructive of me but I am bound to tell you that I find myself in love with you –"

He does not know what to say after that and realises he is trembling too much to continue, so he lets go of Kirk and falls onto his back, not looking at him. It is Kirk's turn to roll over to face Spock –

"Spock –" he frowns, choosing his words with unusual care – "Why is this such a terrible thing? Am I really so bad?"

Spock sighs –

"No – but "

"But what?"

He cannot say it out loud; it's pathetic and makes him sound so fucking weak; so he takes Kirk's hand and transfers the thought instead –

- _But I calculate an overly high probability that you will break my heart._

He closes his eyes, feeling crushed with shame and defeat. When he opens them again he sees such sadness in the blue eyes that he feels like an absolute bastard for causing it, even if he would not retract the thought.

_-Do you think so little of me?_

_It is not….personal Captain, I am merely judging by your past - behaviours –_

_-That_ is _a bit fucking personal Commander!_

_Forgive me. I have struggled to control my feelings in this matter but –_

_\- Gotta say, that doesn't seem to be going to well._

Strange, how much this silent communication soothes Spock's mind, however illogical the human's thoughts are, touching them makes him feel somehow more complete, as though he has always belonged in his mind.

_Indeed –_ he feels distressed – _Captain you do compromise me greatly, perhaps it would be better if I were to –_

_\- Don't even think it Mr Spock! You're not going anywhere! And you're not the only one who's fucking compromised –_

_I asked your forgiveness – I – I'm scared Jim – help me not to be –_

He feels a wash of panic, the magnitude of his feelings and the fear of their implications threatening to drag him under, but Kirk is their like a rope to a drowning man -

_\- Hey Spock – Spock it's okay. I said I didn't want to break you and I said I get what I want, didn't I?_

_That is not – not – Jim I must ask you to stop that –_

Kirk has taken the Vulcan's hand in his, fingers twisting together on the pillow between them. He starts slowly kissing Spock's fingers while stroking his palm in circles with his thumb, looking up at him with large beautiful eyes that make Spock feel he might melt –

_Captain – you must not – fuck – Jim stop – this – this – greatly damages my cognitive functions –_

The Captain laughs silently, with those adorable sparkling eyes and it shatters Spock's rational mind to the winds; he grips Kirk's hip with his free hand, dragging him close to feel his body tight against him. He can hear him breathe, feel his cock twitching to life once more and he takes it in his hand, stroking hard, smiling to hear the human gasp as he takes two of his fingers into his mouth, sucking and licking them like he would a cock. Spock feels the arousal tingling electrically in his chest, spreading outwards until his whole body is reeling with it – the pleasure almost too intense to bear. He twists and writhes with it, frantically pressing his erection into Kirk's spare hand, at the same time screaming a silent entreaty for him to stop – an entreaty they both know he does not mean –

- _Please – fuck no – please please – you do not know what you are doing –_

_-Gotta disagree with you there Spock_ Kirk thinks back, and Spock can hear the mischief in his thoughts – _See, I've been doing my research into this kind of thing –_

It takes all of Spock's remaining mental faculties to reply –

_What – kind of thing – exactly?_

_\- Vulcan mating rituals –_ Kirk shrugs back – _I heard the fingers were like this huge erogenous zone – been waiting to test the theory –_

Spock groans aloud as Kirk caresses his wrist, taking his fingers all the way into his throat. His brain swirls, legs turning to water, moaning uncontrollably, choking out the thought –

_How are your….investigations proceeding?_

In reply Kirk just grins and takes firm hold of his cock, squeezing and stroking it to the point of madness as his mouth does the same to the Vulcan's fingers and Spock cries aloud as the orgasm begins in his palms, as though all of his energy is flashing out from his hands, bursting through his fingertips and spreading throughout his body, down into his cock, thrusting urgently into Kirk's hand, coming into it seconds before the human comes into his, releasing Spock's sensitive fingers as he opens his mouth to moan.

They fall backwards into the bed, hands sticky, sweaty and clasped together. When Spock can finally speak he says simply –

"Fascinating."

He turns his head to look at Kirk who is smiling at him like a child with a treat –

"But it does not _fully_ answer my concerns."

"Aww fuck you Spock" says Kirk amiably.

"I do not think that will be entirely necessary at this time" Spock says, starting to yawn. They both smile, neither knowing that they do so in perfect unison and they kiss now ever so gently.

Spock feels a perfect wave of restfulness fall over him in which sleep is not far behind and which promises to be more than usually untroubled. There is really only one thing left to say –

"Good night captain" Spock says, this time with nothing hidden inside, unsaid. Kirk smiles and replies with the same –

"Good night commander."

_x_

 

 

 


	3. In the Volcano

**Set just after “Into Darkness”. Bones has sent Kirk and Spock on Shore Leave, to Sulu’s summer home in Monteray Bay.**

**Volcano**

  
The house clings to the cliff like a bejewelled barnacle, parts of it completely overhanging the rocks and supported on twisting metal legs that shine silver and white in the sun. It has rooftops that glitter, in multi – coloured glass and a marble stairway leading up to the main door. Kirk cannot help but gape at it for a moment –

"That's – amazing."

"Definitely adequate as Terran dwellings go" Spock concedes. Kirk shakes his head at him, then runs up the stairs and activates the front door.

Inside the house is at least as impressive as outside. The coloured glass in the ceiling reflects the sunlight across the white marble hallway so that it is like walking on rainbows that shimmer and dance. Spock watches as Kirk's eyes widen like a child's and he watches the refractions play across his skin. Spock is not unaffected by the beauty and cleverness of the place either but it is nothing to him besides the beauty of this human before him, delighting in it all.

_If you could just see yourself –_ he thinks –  _you would not doubt yourself for a moment. For all of your life and movement you are the still point of my turning world –_

Kirk turns to him and grins and there are rainbows catching on his smile. He squints, seeing Spock watching him –

"Guess I'm looking like one dumb farm boy – huh?"

"Believe me Jim that was furthest from my mind"

Kirk takes both of Spock's hands in his impulsively –

"Forgive me Spock, I – it's just so wonderful I – you can't know – what it's like just being alive again –" he phrases it clumsily, struggling with the concept of the sheer brilliance of life – of feeling and sensations – the feeling he has been buzzing with really ever since they beamed down. Spock pulls him closer, watching the lights playing in his hair –

"Jim –" he says, so tenderly that he can feel the human's heart run like molten gold beneath his voice and his eyes turn upwards in the deepest, most beautiful smile – "I think perhaps I do". He gives up his thoughts completely, in a more complete surrender to another than he thought he would ever allow – there is no need any more to hold back –

_Jim, I died when you died. I did not really know until then that I am nothing without you. I never even knew who I was until I had you back and it brought me back to life – now my katra cries to be tied to you - Jim you are my everything and that you even feel a part of this is enough for me to live on always –_

_\- Just a part – Spock? Now you're being mean! Spock the worst thing about dying was going to a place where you could not follow – knowing that I still hadn't told you – and the last time we really spoke we yelled at each other. Spock, the worst thing was knowing what I could have had if I hadn't fucked it up -_

_Shh love, shh – you didn't and I've got you back and I will keep it that way so help me – even now you are too far away from me –_

And it is true somehow, even pressed close together, feeling too far apart and only one way to cure it – Spock swings Kirk up into his arms and carries him up the staircase that sweeps round to the right –

_Like I was a fucking princess in a fairy tale_ Kirk thinks, though he is far from objecting –  _as though I was light as a feather –_

_\- You are not that light Ashayam, but you are more so than you should be -_

_Now is hardly the time Spock! Tomorrow I promise I'll eat loads of cake but for now –_

Spock walks in through the opened door of the largest bedroom, depositing Kirk gently on the bed –

"Never stop touching me" Kirk finishes aloud.

Spock drops down beside him on the bed, dragging him back into his arms before either can feel the loss of contact too painfully –

"I do not intend to" he replies in a soft growl. Kirk cleaves to him as they kiss as though he wants to occupy the exact same space. Their tongues twist and thrust with undisguised carnality and Kirk arches urgently against Spock as the Vulcan holds him remorselessly in an unbreakable grip –

_Too far away!_ Kirk screams in his mind, mentally hyperventilating with need –  _still too far apart – damn clothes!_

They break the kiss, gasping –

_How do we do this?_

_-Quickly._

It is punishing to break apart so they drag shirts off quickly and Spock has Kirk's trousers off in several frantic seconds. Kirk finds his fingers shaking too much to function and he can feel Spock's erection beneath his hand, hot and hard and it feels like a matter of life or death, wanting to cry out with frustration –

_Spock help me – please –_

Spock's head pounding with desire, feverish with need, but his hands steady, unfastening himself to let Kirk gratefully do the rest and then the sweet relief of feeling skin against skin as they fall back together, kissing and touching hungrily -

_It's been too long –_

_\- Far too long –_

_Please never again –_

_\- Too far away from me –_

It does not matter who is thinking any more since their thoughts are the same. Kirk sings with inner joy at being able to share thoughts like this, leaving his mouth free to kiss, hands free to touch, to claim, take, remember –

_Soon now love ad our minds will never be apart and I will be inside you in every single way –_

_\- Yes, please yes, yours – so alive – so myself when you are touching me, never more alive than when you are inside me – please –_

Spock sends out a gentle stream of thought to cool the frantic human brain, though his body screams the imperative to take him, claim him, possess him completely – that intense rushing  _Mineminealwaysmine_ that hurls through him as he pushes Kirk onto his back, stroking his face with one hand and his cock with the other – it is hardly a traditional Vulcan bonding ceremony but it is a more ancient one, more primal, and he presses his fingers against Kirk's forehead –  _my mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts –_ sending the first gentle probes of his mind inside  _– this is your last chance, there is no going back from here –_

Kirk growls, both aloud and mentally his definite assertion –  _I want this, I want it completely, don't you dare not do this now –_

Fingers slipping into his body and into his brain, making him feel almost paralyzed by the intensity of this complete penetration, whimpering when Spock pulls back to reach for the thoughtfully placed bottle by the bed, rubbing the oil into his cock, Kirk's final coherent thought –

_Had no idea you could fuck and bond at the same time –_

Before Spock slides into his and proves him wrong and god it hurts but it's okay, it always will a little after all, and those gentle probes in his head stretch and flex, spinning coloured threads to wrap around his brain and the colours –

\- and the shapes all swirling up and around each other and Spock presses the threads onwards and inwards tangling them into the mesh of Kirk's brain, their colours running and weaving together to create the perfect complete pattern – and they  _fit_ so perfectly the sliding together is easy. At the same time Spock thrusts into him, tingling and electric with the exquisite delight of being inside him once more, closing his eyes for ecstasy at the maddening spasms of the human body and seeing behind his eyes –

-himself, in Kirk's mind, his hand wrapped around his cock, stroking him to a frenzy while his fingers stroke their brain, smoothing the threads in place and his fingers are wet  _but that's because I've been crying – oh –_

_-didn't mean to hurt you –_

_-No – not hurt – good crying –_

_Illogical!_

_\- Yeah, great Spock, really illogical thanks –_

\- the ability to make words even mentally flying apart again and the bond sealing itself, Spock moves his hand to support Kirk's head, thrown back as he arches his back off the bed, screaming as he comes in an orgasm that only seams to start in his cock but pours out of every inch of his skin and Spock feeling the same so that they cannot tell each other's climax the one apart from the other, long past the point where they do not know where they end and the other begins because there is no longer any ending or beginning, just a constant stream of orgasmic energy flowing through them in a never – ending circle that feeds on itself in a timeless eternity-

\- until a click in their shared brain and the bond is tightly sealed, sealed like a point on an unbroken circle and Spock falls back onto the bed, bonelessly and Kirk barely notices, his every nerve end ringing so hard he can still feel Spock inside him and although they are no longer even touching they think together –

_I can still hear your heart beat and your scrambled perfect thoughts._

Eventually Kirk takes in a huge breath of air, with a groaning sound. He turns over to meet Spock's gaze, opens his mouth to say possibly – "Holy shit" – but it never comes out and he bursts into tears.

Spock's face crumples with concern, his heart racing –

_Jim, what is it, did I do something wrong?_

Kirk shakes his head and buries his face in Spock's chest and Spock holds him so gently, stroking his hair so lovingly it just makes him cry for longer. Spock waits patiently for his sobs to subside, heart hammering all the while with fear that something has gone dreadfully wrong.

" _No_  Spock –" Kirk gulps – "S'not you – it's me – I fuck everything up, I'm sorry – I –" he takes a deep breath and looks up at Spock, eyes shining with tears, so bright, dazzling – even sad he is so beautiful it rips at Spock's heart –

_Tell me there was wrong here now and it may kill me –_

Kirk shakes his head frantically –

"I – Spock – I –" he looks down trembling and scared – "Spock I've slept with so many people –" he manages, feels Spock tense at this and carries on quickly – "But not a one of them mattered worth a damn – I've done –" he struggles – "Stuff. Lots of stuff. But none of mattered – none of it meant  _anything –_ I didn't even know –" he shakes his head in dismay at himself – "I didn't even know that it  _could_ mean anything – not until just now. I never let it, I'm such a jerk – I –"

Spock strokes his face, tilting his head up to meet his eyes –

"Jim –" he says gently – "You are not a jerk. I am honoured to be your first time for anything – I had not –" he hopes this does not come out as an insult – "I had not imagined it was possible –"

Kirk smiles and relaxes a little –

"But –" he protests, stubborn brain kicking in again – "Shit Spock, I don't deserve your honour! I don't deserve shit! I look at you, loving me and I wonder why you waste your time – I can't even start to  _compute_ the way you look at me –"

"Jim" Spock stops him, sternly – "You are starting to annoy me! This is not something you can compute. It is not –" he almost laughs – "It is not logical and if I can cope with that then certainly so can you. You wonder what it makes you that you feel scared – Jim, it makes you human – and it makes you sadly unaware of your own best qualities –"

Kirk opens his mouth to object but Spock cuts him off with a –

"Shut up Jim, I am still talking!" that surprises him so much it actually does shut him up – "Frankly it is irrelevant whether or not you feel yourself deserving. Either way you  _have_ my respect. You  _have_ my love. You have all of me. I am yours Jim, always and I cannot and will not accept your rejection of this fact –"

"Rejection? No Spock, I wouldn't – I love you – I –"

Spock silences him with two fingers in a curious cross between a Vulcan and human kiss –

_Not another word Ashayam, unless it is to say something positive about yourself._

Kirk cannot quite do that, but he does not argue any more either. He kisses Spock's fingertips and continues with butterfly kisses as those fingers trace the outline of his lips.

"Spock, are you mad?" Kirk frowns, picking up the note of anger.

"I do not understand Jim. All psychological tests I have ever undergone would suggest –"

"No you idiot, I meant mad as in angry."

"Oh. Yes. I am somewhat."

"At me?" Kirk's forehead crumples like a child's and Spock quickly kisses away the crinkle between his eyes.

"No. At whoever dared hurt you and made you feel so little of yourself. And at myself for not being able to quell the desire to kill them."

"Huh. Well sure, next time we're headed home feel free to look up my folks – Spock?"

"Yes?"

Kirk takes a deep breath, gently balancing his carefully erected barriers back into place, though it occurs to him for the first time that he has someone now who will love him without them, that he is doing it for himself, not anyone else. He knows too that Spock understands all this completely without the awkward need to explain – it is possibly the first step he has really taken away from his childhood in twenty years –

"You won't tell anyone that the great and perfect James T Kirk cried on you like a baby girl will you?"

"I cannot see how it would be appropriate or relevant, Captain"

Kirk smiles and snuggles into Spock happily for several silent moments, moments filled only with one another's breathing, their beating hearts and the newly forged bond that thrums between them like a freshly tuned piano.

_x_

Some time later Kirk goes up to investigate the balcony area. Spock watches from the bed, wondering whether or not to make the obvious comment. Eventually he decides in favour –

"Captain – need I remind you that you are not dressed and may be visible from the –" Kirk walks outside, throwing a dazzling grin over his shoulder – "balcony area" Spock finishes, lamely.

Kirk stretches in the moonlight and Spock cannot help but be a little awestruck at his beauty, like a painting, framed in the silvery light. Kirk turns, unthinkingly, to touch the sliding glass door and Spock jumps up, startled into an utter, irrational tsunami of panic that threatens to knock him over, all but dashing forward –

"Jim – no –" he cries, coming out onto the balcony to take him urgently by the arm, clutching desperately at his hand and twisting his fingers into Kirks almost crushingly – "I –" he chokes, taken aback by his own panic – "I could not bear it if you were on the other side of the glass" he mumbles in explanation. Kirk looks up at him with eyes like the sea beyond –

"Spock – " he says tenderly – "I'm here" and he kisses him soothingly, tenderly, for a moment before he pulls back and smirks gently –

"Commander – need I remind you that you are not dressed and may be visible?" he mimics, mockingly. Spock thinks about this for a moment –

"As I believe you would say Jim – the hell with it"

"Spock" Kirk grins – "I'm starting to affect you"

"Starting?" Spock frowns – "You always have –"  _more than you could know –_ he would have said just days ago, but Kirk is in his head now and so it is no longer necessary or wholly true.

Kirk walks to the balcony and looks out across the sea, a gentle breeze delicious on his skin. Spock watches him enthralled –  _what have I come to_ he thinks –  _that I could feel jealous of the wind for playing with your hair?_ He stands beside him and kirk rests his head on his shoulder and clasps his hand in silence. It is night now and the stars are out, the moon casting silver light across the sea where the sun had washed it gold before.

The tide is in and there are so many different sounds on the soft night air, the rhythmic beating of the ways, the gulls out across the cliffs. Somewhere out on the bay a boat moored, the hollow sound of a hull on the water and Kirk thinks, not quite knowing if it is his own thought or a line he read somewhere –  _I will not fight that current any more, I will move to the beating of your heart._

_You will fight though, I know you Ashayam, a part of you will always fight – and it Is not a line, just your own strange and beautiful brain._

- _But I will go where it leads me too. I will never stop following its course_  – he raises his to the stars –  _That's my ocean Spock, chart it with me?_

_Have we not already begun?_

_\- Which of those stars do you think we've been to?_

_Technically none, since those lights come from stars that have already died. Also they are technically suns and so it would be a physical impossibility to –_

_-Shut up Spock, you have no sense of Romance –_

_I refute that statement._

Kirk raises an eyebrow as Spock slides around behind him, one hand on his shoulder, the other stroking the back of his neck where he knows it really tingles, stroking down his shoulders, slowly and firmly to lift his arms until Kirk is holding on to the balcony rail –

"Stay" he whispers aloud, so that Kirk can hear the growl close to his ear and feel Spock's breath reverberate close to his face, lips almost but not quite brushing his skin.

Running a hand down the length of his body to caress his hip and the small of his back, Spock gently, infuriatingly, trails kisses across his neck and jaw until Kirk squirms and stretches like a cat, groaning softly beneath his lover's ministrations. He moans louder when Spock shifts and he can feel his erection pressing into his back –

_-Oh god, when did that happen?_

_Always hard for you – or almost, I would calculate 87.6 percent of the time –_

_-Spock please don't calculate at_ this  _time._

Spock takes Kirk's own erection in his hand almost teasingly and Kirk's breath hitches, releasing it in a shudder –

_-Fuck – Spock –_

"I want you –" that maddening growl against the skin sending tremors across the back, down the arms, tightening the chest and quivering in the knees – "I want you so much of the time. You make me forget all I ever learnt of reason and control –"

"Fuck reason –" Kirk hisses – "I'm yours Spock, everything you want to do to me – do it. Don't make me say please –"

Spock smirks a little –

_Dear one, that_ is _something I want to make you do – but not today –_

He nudges Kirk's legs apart with one knee, taking firmer hold of his cock, stroking it maddeningly, slender fingers moving in an erratic dance. Moving between his legs he pushes his cock slowly up inside him – still open from the last time and Kirk cries out in mingled pain and pleasure as Spock fills him completely, feeling the cry must echo across the bay from cliff's edge to cliff's edge, thinking –

_Shit! Anyone could see us from here!_

Spock thinking back –

_\- I am aware of this. It does not concern me. Perhaps you would like me to stop?_

There is gentle sarcasm in the last thought and no suggestion of any real intention of stopping. Even so Kirk shakes his head rapidly, feeling how unbearable it would be if he did. Spock half smirks, thrusting into him urgently, hand wrapped tightly around his cock, his other hand trailing up Kirk's arm to take his throat, squeezing and caressing the soft skin until Kirk throws his head back, leaning into Spock's shoulder, warm and almost nuzzling as Spock continues to run his fingers in a tantalising dance across his throat. He cannot see past Kirk's shoulder and the curve of his neck but at the same time he sees the whole bay reflected through Kirk's eyes and he cannot help but gasp to see with both of their eyes at once, to know how good he feels inside him from the human's perspective as well as his own – the thought  _I do not just love you, I am you_ that they suddenly both share. He can feel the breeze on Kirk's skin as his own, smell the salt air with human sensitivity, hears Kirk's surprise at experiencing the magnified sounds of Vulcan hearing, how bright everything looks with intensified night vision, the thoughts –

_-It is warmer in your skin –_

_\- Your heart – beating so fast –_

_\- How do you not burn up –_

_\- I can see everything –_

\- a rapid whirl of shared senses until the moment they come together seeing stars through new eyes, a rushing world of hot and cold, sight, sound, taste, smell experienced as one and still –

_It's just you. You are my world –_

\- as Spock shudders himself into Kirk, at the same time feeling his hand around his cock, spilling into the night, growling his own ecstasy and screaming Kirk's until he feels his throat will break from it and he withdraws slowly, steadying himself against the warm human body, face buried still in his neck.

Kirk's eyes roll in his head, taking in the air and sky as they do – the stars genuinely brighter than they have ever been. His hands hurt from holding so tight to the rail and it feels like they will never really unclench. When they do his knees really do give way, Spock catching him so that they sink together onto the cool floor in a tangle of limbs. He rests his head against Spock's chest and Spock strokes his hair thinking –  _soft, like feathers._

_-See?_ Kirk replies –  _You can be poetic – Spock?_

_Mmm?_

_\- If it keeps being this intense my brain cells are gonna die._

_I do not believe that it would be biologically possible for al of them to do so at this time._

_-Spock?_

_Jim?_

_\- I take it back – you can't be poetic._

"However I take it you retract the accusation as to my lack of Romance?"

"Hmmm…."

"Jim!"

"Well  _technically –"_ he mocks – "That wasn't Romance, it was bumming on a balcony."

Spock rolls his eyes –

_Now who has no poetry?_

_\- Spock?_

_Mmm?_

_\- Shut up._

___x___

Spock carries Kirk back inside on the back of Kirk's complaint that his legs have stopped working –

"Which cannot be good for my recuperation" he grumbles happily – "I mean, how would I ever explain that to Bones? – "Sorry Bones I know you sent us down here to get back to health but we had so much sex my knees fell off and my brain dribbled out my ears?" – can you imagine his face?"

"I am trying not to – especially since we are under medical orders not to furnish the good doctor with such details. Also your exaggerations are not only extreme but disgustingly depicted."

"Thanks Spock."

"Also your legs are technically working."

"Spock you piss me off"

"I am aware of this Captain"

He places Kirk down on the bed gently and Kirk smiles at him all warm and golden, still basking in the afterglow. Spock cannot help but wonder – for the umpteenth time – how something so beautiful can be his –

_-Funny, I was just wondering the same thing –_

He is still not used to Kirk being able to see his every thought, but he does not find himself minding. It never stops being a pleasure to communicate in this silence and he can feel how much it still intrigues and excites Kirk.

_\- You were wondering how- being so beautiful – you came to be mine?_ He teases softly, surprised to find that he is learning how to tease.

_No, you idiot, how are you mine?_

"Jim –" he smiles, kneeling over him to look down into his face, musingly stroking his face and hair – "Nobody in their right mind should not love and want you – you are – perfect. It never ceases to surprise me that you can go day to day unmolested."

"Gotta tell you Spock, when you're around I don't – and Spock, I want you to be always around – gnhhh –" he groans, his words choking off as Spock trails kisses down his neck and chest –

"I have to say –" he gasps as Spock claims him once more, fingers and lips traversing his skin – "Whoever said Vulcans were unemotional had clearly – gah! – never slept with one –"His words turn into incoherent moans as Spock kisses and caresses a path down his body and Kirk groans to hear him think  _there is no inch of you I do not wish to kiss –_ as he takes Kirk's stiffening cock into his mouth, sucking it into full hardness once more. He pulls back a little to lick wickedly at the tip until Kirk pushes him back gently, rolling them over until their positions are reversed and he is over Spock, pressing his aching cock against his thigh. A little overwhelmed by his strange beauty he thinks  _Spock please –can I touch you?_ aware that he has never taken the lead before and afraid it might be unacceptable to Spock for him to do so –  _I am content just to be for you if you wish it – but please – I also would like to touch you everywhere –_

Spock nods infinitesimally –  _In any way you wish dear one._ It surprises him to hear Kirk thinking so loudly how beautiful he is – it is not something that has ever occurred to him before.

_Jesus –_ Kirk thinks, stroking his chest, arms, face – tentatively at first but with quickly growing confidence and delight –  _how can you not have thought so?_

_\- It was not –necessary –_ Spock thinks slowly back, beginning to gasp and writhe beneath Kirk's explorative touch –  _and I saw nothing myself to support the theory-_

_Spock you're an idiot. You should have known it. I hate myself but even I know I'm sexy – hell, I was sexy as a kid –_

_\- Jim you are appalling._

_Oh good –_

Kirk grins, running firm fingers down Spock's thigh before stroking his cock hard in both his hands –

_Do Vulcans even_ have  _refractory periods?_

_\- Not around humans like you._

Kirk cannot help but smile, playing curiously – just the tip of a finger - with the double ridges in the Vulcan's cock, making Spock hiss and shudder at the wickedly playful touch.

_Spock?_

_\- Nng?_

_Can I – fuck you?_

Spock's eyes widen and he tries desperately and unsuccessfully to hide the nervousness in his thoughts, not wanting to admit that he has never done that before. Kirk hears anyway and also hears him give a gentle affirmative.

_Really?_ Kirk wonders, struggling to believe someone would actually do that for him –

_\- Well, I love you –_ almost a shrug, as though it is obvious.

It is.

_Don't worry –_ Kirk replies to Spock's silent concern –  _I'll be gentle, I'm not a bastard like you._ He smiles, remembering how gentle Spock wasn't with him that first time. He leans in to kiss him –  _cannot believe you're mine_ he thinks, his kiss fierce, possessive, amazed and enthralled that he has something he can finally be possessive of –  _never had something that was all mine before –_ Spock yielding and kissing back hard all at once so that Kirk knows without him having to say it –  _But you are, aren't you? Mine completely –_

He takes up the bottle of lube and trickles the golden liquid through his fingers, rubbing it into his cock with one hand as he slides the first finger into Spock, never breaking eye contact until Spock's eyes start to close in pleasure and pain – but in that order. Kirk moves into him gently, adding a second finger and Spock bites his lip softly but thinks very clearly –

_Continue –_ and as Kirk's fingers twist and move –  _fuck, continue please – want you inside me –_ and Kirk removes his fingers to replace them with his cock and this time he can feel Spock biting the pain back hard because Vulcans do not cry out, at the same time thinking  _good, so good, do not stop –_

He is not sure he could have even if he had wanted to, not at this stage, and he pushes on until he is sheathed in Spock completely and can feel him hurt and then breath out a sigh of pleasure when Kirk takes his huge cock in his hand, squeezing deliciously as he starts to thrust into him, gently at first, then as the pain starts to subside, harder – Kirk realises that through the bond he can feel the pain as well but then, as the pleasure mounts he feels that too as his own, as if Spock's tightness around him was not enough and then Spock reminds him that he is stronger than a human and can take as much as he can give –

\- and Kirk stops holding back, surging into him completely, his thrusts mounting into a fury, fucking Spock hard, harder than he has ever dared with anyone for fear of breaking them –

_You may be strong for a human –_ Spock thinks, actively taunting him into pounding him harder –  _but you cannot break me._

"Oh – fuck!" Kirk screams aloud with ecstasy and, once begun, carries on a litany of expletives that just as clearly enunciate Spock's own excuse for a thought process.

Spock in turn feels the pain melt into a burning pleasure and when Kirk's cock starts to brush against his prostate he has to dig his fingers into the human's shoulders hard, forcing himself not to just come instantly. But the human is remorseless; knowing what he is doing just makes him do it with more maddening intensity and when he then strokes Spock's cock in time to his thrusts Spock comes urgently, screaming and roaring, his hands scrambling for purchase on Kirk's sweat drenched back until, with a final savage thrust Kirk is coming inside him, yelling his name all tangled up with curse words and screaming until he collapses across Spock shuddering and almost crying with the intensity of his orgasm.

Eventually he rolls part way onto his side but still with an arm and a leg wrapped around Spock.

"Spock?" he murmurs eventually.

"Jim?" Spock is still gazing upwards, gently stroking the warm heavy human head.

"Your heart beat is really fast."

"It is normal for a Vulcan Jim, but somewhat accelerated at this time yes – as is yours."

"Yeah but – yours is like hmmmmmmmmm where mine is still thump thump – you're not just gonna stop are you?"

"Jim you are illogical and you make strange sounds. The average Vulcan heart beats at 24c beats a minute, the average human's at 60 to 100, therefore my rate is approximately 3.025 times faster than yours – though I would need medical instruments to calculate more efficiently."

"Spock I beg you not to calculate further at this time. Also we really need to talk about your post coital conversational skills."

"Yours seem to consist of nonsensicality and peculiar noises."

"I love you Spock"

"I love you Jim"

"There – that was better wasn't it?"

 __X__

**All of “In the Volcano” can be found here:**

<http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9518116/1/In-the-Volcano>


	4. Cat in the Larder

**  
** **Same time period and setting as the previous chapter.**

**Cat in the Larder**

  
The screen doors to the main room are open just a crack, letting in the smell and the sound of the sea. With the curtains open as they are now it is almost like being still in space for being able to see the stars outside.

Kirk comes downstairs from the bathroom, dressed in nothing but the towel he has wrapped around himself, to find Spock crouched in front of the open fireplace, gently teasing a few tentative flames into life.

"Spock it's warm out – and the door is open –" he squints at him, contemplatively, crossing the room to kneel down beside him – "Do we really need a fire?"

He does not really object, not when Spock's face in the dancing shadowy firelight is so beautiful and strange. Shadows play in his eyes painting them black as coals, the curve of his lip and ear, outlined from the side in the flickering light – positively demonic, like Bones always said. Kirk shudders, involuntarily and deliciously; no, he does not really mind the fire at all, he can feel himself getting hard already and hopes it does not show beneath the towel. He feels suddenly, ridiculously under dressed.

Kirk's arousal does  _not_ go un- noticed and Spock smirks inwardly, his face betraying nothing as he replies –

"It would seem a shame to waste this rather excellent fireplace. Also Vulcans are more prone to feeling sensations of cold than humans –" he shields his other thoughts carefully, at the same time thinking –  _he equates me visually to renderings of demons. Ironic. I wonder if he is aware how angelic he comparatively appears?_

"….and?" Kirk asks, looking at him sideways.

"And?" Spock echoes, innocently.

"You're hiding something. You have other intentions – I can tell –" he grins, wickedly, voice lowering into a purr – "Foul,  _demonic_ intentions –"

_So beautiful –_ Spock thinks –  _So perfect, and yet the appearance of arrogance is such pretence, I wonder if he has any real idea –_ he shakes his head a little to clear the thoughts –

"Indeed –" he says quietly – "It had not escaped my awareness that you would appear at great advantage by firelight."

"That means you want to fuck me in front of the fire doesn't it?"

"Your phrasing is woeful –" Spock sighs – "But your sentiment is accurate."

Kirk rolls his eyes, beside them the fire flares and he moves a little back from it as the heat warms his whole right side more than is necessary. As he moves he leans into Spock, putting one hand down on the floor, in this corner of the room covered in the softest, deepest furs, and extending his other hand to curl around Spock's neck and gently stroke the base of an ear with his thumb –

"Why don't you just say stuff?" he half teases – "If you want me – why not just say so?" Spock arches his neck, cat – like beneath Kirk's fingers.

"Do you  _need_ me to say so?"

"No. But I'd like to hear it all the same – if you mean it."

Spock cannot help himself turning slightly, to kiss the hand near his face, his heart stings a little –

"Can you even doubt it?" Kirk bites his lip –

"No. It's just –"he looks downwards, Spock's eyes are so penetrating he doesn't want to see them react, perhaps with pain to his own insecurities – "It's just you've only ever said it angrily and ….and ….this is really dumb and you'll hate me –"

Spock's forehead crumples in sympathy, feeling how hard it is for Jim to say this, not even able to read what he is thinking that human is so ashamed by what he perceives to be his own neediness. He curls his fingers gently around Kirk's wrist, stroking tenderly;

"Please continue." Kirk nods,

"It's just you've never said "I love you" unless I've said it first and I worried –"

"Jim shhh" Spock says firmly – "I – it is not – I spent so long forcing myself not to express such sentiments – on Vulcan it is barely acceptable –"

"But we're not  _on_ Vulcan and if you do you can – I mean –" It is almost heart breaking to Spock, hearing Kirk's brain all but scream  _Don't make me say please, don't make me –_

"Jim, I never even felt it before to express it, any more than you have heard it. But I love you – I thought only that you would not need me to say it aloud when surely you can hear it in my every heart beat."

Kirk's face, which has been on the verge of tears, breaks into a smile, like sun through the clouds and he nods, repeatedly – "I know" he exhales and breathes deeply – "I knew really – I'm just – like an idiot."

Spock looks at him affectionately –

"I am not inclined to disagree."

"Hey!" But Kirk smiles and looks back up at Spock, his spare hand inching across the floor to where Spock has a hand rested on his knee, stroking the back of Spock's hand and turning it round to run his thumb in circles around Spock's palm with slow, unbearable intent. Spock closes his eyes and hisses, heart pounding; the warmth of the fire and Kirk's closeness and now the delirious tingling in his hand almost too much to bear. He can hear the rush and crackle of the fire like a storm in the brain and there is no inch of his skin that does not sing and ache with raw smarting desire. His throat feels rough, choking on lust and his voice hard to find. Kirks' stroking across his palm is relentless, knowledgeable fingers tormenting his wrist and twisting into his fingers as another searching hand follows the curve of his ear. He is drowning in fire and seizes both Kirk's wrists almost violently to keep himself afloat and make the torture stop, his voice latching onto the only word he can manage-

"Jim –" he growls, low and little more than animal, yanking him closer, his eyes like coals burning into Kirk's, demanding and receiving complete attention. His lip almost quivers with the effort of speech and his whole body trembles – "I want you." Not angry, this time, not violent, but so intent, so very much that he can feel Kirk nearly shiver beneath the force of it, afraid at first but that quickly melts into lust in the heat.

"I want you" he repeats, gathering him against himself, towel falling so that Kirk is naked in his lap, pushing a hand through his hair and down his arm, following the imprint of his fingers in the human's skin with his eyes – "So much –" he whispers – "So much Jim –" and because he  _has_ to kiss him now or die from it he can only think the rest to him as he ravages his mouth as though he has never been there before –  _Want you, always, constantly, always like it's the first time. Like I have not touched you in forever. So melodramatic and illogical I barely know myself. But you, you have always known me better than I do. You are myself. Half my heart, half my soul – and the better half of both, want you ashayam, body and soul –_

He rocks gently, firmly forward, pushing Kirk onto his back on the floor, his gentle fall cushioned by the softness of the alien furs. Spock looks down at him, at the picture he makes in the firelight, barely keeping himself from shaking as he sheds his clothes in an almost unthinkably untidy heap on the floor. His heart shivers painfully to see Kirk looking up at him with those eyes, drowning him, his body a study in gold with the firelight playing across his skin. He falls upon him hungrily,  _wanting_ to drown, to lose himself in sweet human flesh, honey gold and smoky red, delicious to the touch, fire warm, soft and firm. Spock  _whimpers_ just to caress that hot skin, a broken, circling sound that Kirk thinks at first is the cry of the gulls outside but when he realises otherwise his eyes widen, pupils blown black in the blue, storm on the sea and he smiles and it is Spock's undoing. He cannot even speak, just claims his lips desperately, drinking him in, his hands alone singing the song of his desire as they trammel paths across his skin until every inch has been covered and possessed –  _aitlu, ketlio, bolau, sut na' du, nem-tor, nem-tor, nem-tor –_ Spock growls softly and Kirk arches his back, head dropping back at the sound of a Vulcan reverting to feral, falling back on passions so hard repressed but too deeply imbedded in the blood to be truly forgotten. The human is transfixed, overwhelmed by how terribly beautiful Spock is like this, mask broken, teeth bared, eyes narrowed and black as he supports Kirk's head with one arm, angling himself so Kirk can watch him oil his cock in preparation. And it is the human's turn to moan; Spock is so  _huge,_ his body so hard and powerful, gleaming copper in the primal light – the very thought that he is about to be inside him enough to nearly make him scream. He nearly does just on feeling Spock's fingers slide inside him, but the sensation is too overwhelming for anything but silence. His body shakes with silent screaming, past the point of perfection when Spock removes his hand to slide his cock slowly, deeply, completely inside him and Kirk loses the fight to keep his eyes open. Spock fills him absolutely, and it is beyond perfect, like something that was missing is being replaced and if it wasn't enough he can hear Spock in his head and knows the meaning if not the words –

_Tahluk – nash – veh k'dular T'hy'la, heh dungau tahluk nash- veh k'dular kuon- sum heh eh wak –_

Kirk inwardly curses his ability to even make a rational thought anymore, finally managing, what seems a comparatively insufficient –

_I love you._

_\- Ashayam –_ Kirk feels Spock pull his thoughts together far enough to manage human language –  _That is never insufficient –_

Spock kisses him, supporting him – and supporting himself – by Kirk's shoulders, holding him fiercely close as he thrusts into him deeply and deliriously, both of them holding off the end just to prolong the feeling of being this close.  _Close_ barely even seems a relevant description when their foreheads touch and their minds curl together, like two hands clasping, fingers interlacing, the human mind vibrant and gold –

_Fuck, Spock, you are my everything –_

\- The threads of the Vulcan mind green and silver weaving in around the human strands –

_Kashkau, ashayam, wukkuh heh terretuhr –_

_\- Kuon sum heh eh- wak?_

_Indeed._

_\- It's like I was ….was music, with half the notes missing, you were the sounds that made me make sense –_

_You are the sweetest tune I ever heard. The greatest instrument I ever played –_

_\- Spock, never stop loving the music –_

_I could not._

They slide and writhe together like the mating dance of snakes, twisted and melting into one and the dancing lights send one long shadow spilling across the floor and surging in a wave over the ceiling.  _Close_ does not cover it when the mind and body share the same space – the shadow shakes and for a moment the shared heart stops beating and the air is poised waiting for the crash. Spock pushes for a final time, deep inside Kirk's body pushing with his mind at the same time and they both crash together in a symphony of sounds, of human screams and Vulcan growls, Kirk's hands clutching, feeling like they're breaking in the furs and Spock's fingers crushing his skin, grinding into him with everything he has, divine pain and shattering pleasure. Their shadow shudders and falls in sympathy, and Spock collapses onto Kirk breathing heavily, slowly unclenching his hands, Kirk doing the same, both of them, hands quivering with the effort.

Eventually Kirk rolls onto his side, off the fur and onto the marble floor, smiling with delight at the cool feel against his burning skin Spock slides in beside him, taking the furs and most of the heat. Kirk gazes at him, chest heaving, eyes wide blown and shining –

"Spock –" he breathes – "If you – do that – melding thing – every time – it's gonna kill me."

"I am not sure that is not – a little melodramatic"

Kirk beams in delight, to see Spock actually a little out of breath, Spock caresses his shoulder and neck, contemplatively –

"You are- damp" he frowns.

"Vulcans don't sweat huh?"

"We do not."

"And you never get too hot?"

"Rarely –"

"Rarely means I can test the theory right?"

"I believe that is what I implied yes."

Kirk shakes his head, wonderingly –

_I cannot believe –_ he thinks, almost shyly –  _That that logical voice and that animal I just saw can be one and the same person._

_And yet – we are –_ Spock returns his glance with deep black eyes –  _We all of us here are the same person._

_x_

**Translations:**

**\- Aitlu, ketlio, bolau, sut na' du, nem-tor, nem-tor, nem-tor –** _**Want, burn, need, ache for you, take, take, take.** _

**\- Tahluk – nash – veh k'dular T'hy'la, heh dungau tahluk nash- veh k'dular kuon- sum heh eh wak** _**– I love you T'hy'la and I will love you always and forever.** _

**\- Kashkau, ashayam, wukkuh heh terretuhr –** _**Our minds beloved, one and together** _

**\- Kuon sum heh eh- wak –** _**Always and forever** _

**In case you couldn't have guessed – when I get married we're doing our vows in Vulcan! Anything I've missed please let me know also I'm sorry for my many probable mistakes!**

**Cat in the Larder can be found here:** <http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9740542/1/Cat-in-the-Larder>


	5. Catch the falling leaves

**Set shortly into the 5 yr mission, AOS, Kirk and Spock have gone undercover in a goth club to catch a suspect –and yes they have gothed up for the occasion.**

**This section contains attempted rape, some violence and very dub- con sex.**

**Catch The Falling Leaves**  

"You take the edges, I'll do the dance floor –" Kirk yells.

"I am not sure that is –" Spock starts, suspecting where this will lead, but Kirk is already off. He sighs and attempts to surreptitiously edge around the room. Needless to say when he turns around five minutes later Kirk is – for want of a better word – dancing – a curious, but somehow functioning combination of the dance of the falling leaves and outright grinding. This time Spock is unsure whether to be aroused or annoyed and settles in the end for both.

It is impossible not to be aroused, when the human's dancing is so damn  _filthy._ Spock finds his lip curling to think  _that's mine,_ at the same time being disgusted and annoyed at how close a couple of young girls have started dancing to his human – probably also of the opinion that sweet dreams are made of this. He can feel the growl stat to build up in the pit of his stomach, a coiling spring of lust and want – and he chokes it back hard, moving in, against his better judgement, to get Kirk out of there. At that moment though, the music changes and a great surge of people moving off the dance floor drags Spock with it and he loses sight of what he was trying not to think of as his prey.

When the crowds part Kirk gets a sudden clear view across the dance floor – which he  _had_ been keeping an eye on, contrary to appearance – and in the gap he catches sight of Phaedrus, heading quickly towards the fire escape. Without having time to call Spock to follow he gives chase, hurtling out of the fire escape and into the stairwell outside. The stairs clatter as he rushes down, and when he reaches the alleyway below everything is surprisingly quiet. No sign of anyone, just a light rain falling in a plastic sounding pattering against the lid of a dumpster. Kirk deflates, then tenses on hearing that clatter again behind him, wheeling round to come face to face with a tall, mean looking man who seems to be made out of leather and studs. He leers at Kirk like he wants to eat him, backing him into a corner between the wall and the dumpster;

"Looking for someone, kid?"

_Don't be smart! Don't be smart!_ Kirk's brain hisses at him frantically – but -  _But I'm not a fucking kid! God I hate that shit –_

"That is why I'm in this rather lovely alleyway at this hour , yes"

The man grins like a shark –

"So, I guess you just found him."

"Um – no, no I don't think so." Sudden awareness of the vulnerability of his situation throws a cold bucket of fear over him which he attempts to hide behind a mask of brashness.

"Nice. Nice innocent thing you've got going there –"the man sneers – "I saw you on that dance floor – begging for it weren't you, slut?"

"Nice, nice – attitude you have there –"  _Shut up mouth, can't you ever shut the fuck up Jim, you absolute ass? –_ "Gotta tell you, that shit went out in the twenty second century – along with thinking a girl wanted it 'cause she had a short skirt –"  _Oh great Jim, you couldn't just shut up could you? And you couldn't have just stopped to tell Spock where you were going, idiot –_

"I'll tell you who wants it you little shit –" the man growls, grabbing him by the neck to spin him round, smashing his face into the dumpster and grinding his erection into Kirk's backside. Kirk's ever helpful brain just barraging him uselessly –  _See? You wonder why this shit always happens but it's your own damn fault again you dickhead –_

\- Struggling to fight, growling and twisting like an alley cat, at the same time his mind trying to prepare itself for the worst, a part of him yelling  _Spock! Where are you?_ and that traitorous little voice that tells him he doesn't deserve to be rescued anyway as he tries to kick out but finds himself pinned in too closely –

\- The weight suddenly torn away from him, giving him the chance to take a great breath of relief. Turning round to the strange sight of his assailant, large though he is, being thrown across the alleyway and into the opposite wall, Spock's eyes narrow and black, teeth bared in fury.

_Spock, thank fuck!_

_Heard you scream._

Kirk shivers, frozen by the cold he can feel in Spock's mind, at the same time as thinking  _but I didn't scream –_ Spock ignoring him completely as he bears down upon the man, now a much smaller crumpled pile of a man, a voice that Kirk can hardly believe is Spock's roaring at him , utterly inhuman in its ferocity –

"You will not touch him!" Struggling to breath for snarling, still he slams his fist into the man's face, then again, and again; "He. Is. Mine.  _Mine_ damn you!"

"Spock!" Kirk yells, afraid that he might actually kill the man. Spock pays no attention, so Kirk yells again, this time hurling all the mental command he can at him as well –

"Spock we can't kill civilians! Stop!"

Spock punches the man once more, before dragging him to his feet –

"Get out –" he spits, breathing heavily, fists still clenched – "Or I  _will_ kill you" he hisses, before the man half runs, half stumbles from the alleyway, looking back over his shoulder at the Vulcan in terror.

Kirk raises his eyes nervously to meet Spock's, uncertain whether to be grateful or still afraid. When Spock looks back he realises – afraid. Very afraid. Spock's eyes are black and burning like coals, barely an ounce of humanity in them and even less Vulcan. He turns to Kirk slowly, stalking him like a predator.

"As for you" he hisses, in a soft low growl, a thousand times more terrifying than when he was shouting – "I have not even  _started."_ He rips Kirk's collar from his neck before closing his hand around his throat almost lovingly but also terrifyingly as though he might just crush -

"He was right about one thing –" he hisses in Kirk's face – "You  _are_ a slut, ad you are not leaving this alleyway until you have learnt your lesson –" he smirks, sneering – " _Captain."_

  
"Spock –" Kirk says, as calmly as he can, in the gentle hushed tone that is usually reserved for wild animals and psychopaths – both of which descriptions feel very applicable to Spock right now. Kirk has seen him in this mood a few times now but it never ceases to frighten him at least as much as it – somewhat guiltily – turns him on. He is aware that most Vulcans would only behave like this during Pon farr, but he is also very much aware that Spock is not most Vulcans and that, once his human side has been roused, especially to lust or anger, he is unpredictable to say the least.

"Spock – please – you don't want to –"

Spock's lips pull back in a snarl, face contorting with rage as he growls furiously, almost a roar and he drags Kirk bodily by the throat, to slam his back into the wall, pinning him like a butterfly –

"You will not presume to tell me what I do ad do not want –" he spits, his breath hot on Kirk's face, fingers tightening to bruise his ever – suffering neck – "Bath- paik Jim, you  _know_ what I want, you  _know_ what you do to me and still you bait me – you have no idea, you're a child and I am sick of your games –"

"Spock –" Kirk croaks, and Spock relaxes his grip enough to let him speak, though he pins his wrist against the wall cruelly instead – "Spock  _he_ attacked  _me!_ I didn't do anything –"

Spock makes a noise rather like a snort –

"You  _didn't do anything?"_ he hisses, incredulously – "You forget Jim that I also saw you on that dance floor. I could excuse anyone for wanting you if you did not Belong. To. Me."

He twists his hands in Kirk's hair, hair stiff as dead leaves, pulling his head back roughly to kiss him, violently, without an ounce of tenderness. Kirk squirms, almost hurting himself with the effort of attempting to pull free. _Spock!_ he thinks desperately –  _We don't have time, we –_ but he can feel his thoughts run dead against the fog in Spock's brain, no real thoughts in there to penetrate, just a throbbing red beat of lust and anger and pain -

"Yes – pain –" Spock breaks off to spit – "Do you think I  _want_ to want you so much? That I would congratulate myself on a wretched conquest like you? You disgust me and I  _ache_ for you, cheap, filthy human  _whore –"_ Kirk can feel Spock's body heave, tense and rippling from his ragged breaths. He almost feels for him but then Spock slaps him in the face with Vulcan strength and his ears ring as Spock throws him to the floor, shoving him face down into the pavement, growling incongruously –

" _I love you –"_ though he sounds absolutely  _furious_ about this and then kicks Kirk in the stomach –

"Spock –" Kirk struggles – "Please no –"

Spock drags him out of the attempt to curl up, forcing him to his knees –

"Stop saying my name" he says, coldly – "And do not give me  _no_ when you do not mean it. I  _know_ you Jim –" he drags his fingers mercilessly up Kirk's leather clad leg, viciously palming his cock through his pants and smirking humourlessly to find him hard –

"Tell me, is that for me, for  _him –"_ he grips Kirk's erection hard enough to hurt – "Or for anyone who wanted you?" he spits, hauling Kirk's body towards him by the belt and grinding his own fierce hardness savagely against him – "It was  _not_ a rhetorical question" he continues, irritated by not getting an immediate answer – "Though I will fuck you either way."

Kirk groans; he had so hoped he could get through the night without getting raped.

"You" he growls, both in pain and humiliation – "It's always you."

Spock pushes his head down so that he is thrown face first into the cold damp floor –

"You might do well to lave me in less doubt of this fact."

Kirk whimpers, hating himself for it, but being horribly torn between discomfort, humiliation, pan and simply wanting Spock to fuck him anyway.

"You test my patience" Spock snarls – "I could not care less what  _you_ want.  _I_ want to fuck you and you have made me wait for so long now that I intend to hurt you also."

To prove this point he slides a hand up Kirk's back, beneath the fishnet shirt, feels the muscles tense and then rips his fingers down the length of his spine. Kirk grits his teeth, knowing that Spock wants badly to hear him scream but neither wanting to give him that satisfaction or actually wanting him to stop. Spock rips into his skin again, and again, remorselessly gouging deep scratch marks across his shoulders –

"Damn you, you  _will_ scream –" he hisses, lip trembling with frustration. Kirk growls and turns his head so Spock cannot see where his eyeliner has run from sweat and tears. Spock grabs him by the hair again furiously, yanking his head up, making his back arch into him and twisting his face around –

"You  _dare_ turn your face from me?" he growls, threateningly – "I could break your neck  _human –"_ inexplicably this makes Kirk groan, and not in terror, narrowing his eyes at Spock and smirking defiantly. Spock curls his lip in disgust, though he is far from disgusted by that beautiful face, streaked as it is with black tears and pavement grime and reacting with naked lust to a death threat he would never carry out.

Spock spits in his face before letting go of his hair, holding him in place with a hand around the neck while his other snakes around his waist, working viciously at his belt and yanking down his trousers. He takes hold of Kirk's aching cock with one hand, while the fingers of the other dig punishingly into the exposed skin of his backside.

"You're disgusting" he whispers in his ear and Kirk shudders like this is a term of endearment.

Spock almost groans aloud, wanting so much to torment him further , but more than anything needing to get inside him  _now._ He frees his own cock quickly, spitting into his hand for lubrication and holding Kirk as still as possible whilst guiding it forcefully into his unprepared body –

"Scream Jim –" he commands softly, mockingly – "Scream for me, slut."

This time Kirk has no choice but to obey, he squirms desperately, trying to pull away, to make Spock take it slower, but Spock holds him brutally in place, allowing him no relief from the pain as he drives his enormous cock into him relentlessly and Kirk screams and screams like he is being murdered – which it feels like he is, Spock's merciless cock tearing into him savagely, Spock gritting his teeth not to scream in animalistic pleasure but thinking –

_Fuck, so fucking tight –_

Kirk struggling and sobbing with pain, thinking back –

_No shit! That's what you get when you fucking rape someone!_

Spock makes a grunt of disgust and disbelief -

_This is not rape. I defy you to tell me truly that you do not want this –_

His fingers siding from Kirk's neck , across his face, seeking a genuine wish for him to stop, finding none and hissing with satisfaction –

_I didn't think so -_

\- before he pushes his face back into the pavement, takes hold of his hips and slams into him brutally, Kirk's screams ringing sweetly in his ears and he rams him repeatedly, half dizzy with ecstasy –

_Yes. Like it when you scream._

\- Subconsciously pounding him to the dirty beat of music that seeps from out the club walls, the muffled words resonating in Sock's brain –  _Violate you, desecrate you, penetrate you, yes, help me get away from myself – help me, you tear down my reason - fuck you like an animal –_ he growls aloud, losing himself in the sweet human flesh that he fucks to oblivion.

Kirk cannot help it, he sobs audibly with the pain and humiliation, Spock simply fuelled by the sound into fucking him harder, releasing all the tension, anger, need and lust in punishing, burning thrusts ( _Youteardownmyreason) -_ his heart pounds in his ears and he growls aloud, holding out as long as he can, both to prolong Kirk's suffering and because it feels so hideously good.

_Jim, are you crying?_ He thinks with mocking, false tenderness.

Kirk whimpers in reply and makes a broken affirmative noise in his head.

_Good –_ Spock snarls, mentally, the cruelty making Kirk shed fresh tears, though his cock throbs in Spock's hand, tingling beneath those skilled fingers. Spock fucks him for what feels like a brief forever, until Kirk fires out the unexpected thought –

_Spock, I love you –_

It takes Spock by surprise and he is almost hurt by the neediness in Kirk's mind – the unspoken fear that Spock has either forgotten this or no longer returns the feeling. It is this that makes Spock pause, ball deep in his human, his hands tingling with the touch of Kirk's exquisite cock – pause and reply –

_Never, beloved – never for a moment –_

\- before it washes over him that Jim really does love him, love him completely, however much he hurts him and that for himself he needs reminding of this as much as he needs to remind Jim that he belongs to him –

_Fuck, Jim –_ he thinks –  _you have taken me over as surely as I have you –_

\- all of this taking only seconds before Kirk repeats again –

_I love you –_

\- and the force of the feeling makes Spock finally come hard, deep inside him and growling with the force of it, collapsing into the golden warmth of his body, Kirk coming into his hand within seconds before collapsing also, into the floor.

When Spock drags his eyes open again he wipes his hand on Kirk's pants, pulls out of him and smirks –

"You should see yourself –" he sneers – "Face down in an alleyway, trousers round your ankles –"  _semen trickling down your legs like a common whore –_

\- he turns Kirk over so that he cannot hide his face and his shame in the pavement. He looks so undignified, so humiliated, woozy and thoroughly fucked that Spock feels his barely just satisfied cock twitch again, the beast creeping back into take over his brain –

"More –" he growls, pulling Kirk beneath him by the scruff of his neck – "I want more –" he groans –  _wretched human, cannot get enough of you, need you, want you, take take take –_

The fever is is just descending when they hear an almighty scream from further up the alley; a blood curdling scream and then a howl like a terrible memory from childhood – Kirk thinking  _I know that sound from a dozen bad movies –_

\- and Spock is suddenly on his feet, fighting back the tide, helping Kirk to his feet – Kirk rising unsteadily, hands shaking as he fixes his clothes, glancing at Spock doing the same. They both breathe deeply, looking at one another until they can do so steadily –

_Later?_

_\- Later._

_Phasers?_

_\- Phasers._

They run in the direction of the sound, rounding the corner into a wider street where a man lies bleeding to death, a massive half wolf, half man standing above him howling, blood dripping from jaws and claws. They fire simultaneously and reacts as though it has only just been stung before dashing off into the moonlight fast on all fours. Kirk runs to the dead man, who is not only dead but also –

"Aww for fuck's sake!" splutters Kirk – it is the man who had accosted him outside the club. He bends over him and sees bleary recognition in the man's eyes – also a gash across his neck from which blood seeps fast, dripping into the cobblestones.

"You –" he croaks.

_Spock stay back –_ Kirk thinks _, if he recognises you too we'll get nothing –_

"What happened?"

The man shook his head –

"Looked – normal –" he gasps – "I tried – " he starts to laugh horribly – " _You_ should know –"

\- Kirk is only too aware of what he tried to do, and would have laughed at the irony if the outcome were less gruesome – " – changed –" the man croaks, his eyes closing.

"Spock okay get over here –" says Kirk, thinking fast – "Can you get an image out this guy's head?"

Spock nods, bending over the dying man to pick up what he can from his final moments – it might have seemed callous if he had not tried to kill him himself less than an hour before.

"Phaedrus?" Kirk asks, as Spock looks back up.

"Affirmative"

Kirk positively jumps up and down, hard pressed after all, to feel bad for the man who had attacked him earlier –

"Spock! Spock – Phaedrus is a werewolf!"

"I must concur with that evaluation Captain – though I fail to see why you are quite so excited."

"Spock you don't get it – he's a fucking werewolf!" Kirk grins like it's Christmas morning – "Oh never mind – anyway it could have been worse –" he indicates the poor bastard on the floor.

"I fail to see how that is the case."

"Well –" Kirk shrugs – " _You_ could have killed him."

**In summary, Spock kills the werewolf after Kirk uses himself as bait, the dying werewolf tells Spock that he is no different from it. Spock loses control, screaming denial to the wolf as he kills it.**

  
"Okay Spock –" says Kirk, really slowly, still on the forest floor, propping himself up on his elbows – "What the  _fuck_ just happened?"

Spock turns to look at him slowly, moving like one in shock. He lets the gun fall from his fingers.

"Killed it" he manages hoarsely.

"Yeah –" Kirk nods – "Yeah, I can see that – and don't think I'm not grateful – but you  _did_ scream at it before you filled it with lead and what in the hell was that about?  _Jesus_ Spock! – what'd it say to you?"

"It said –" Spock takes a deep breath, his heart hammering in his ears, his voice sounding far away- "It said we were two of a kind – him and I –" he sighs, silent for a long uncomfortable minute – "It was right."

Kirk frowns –

"What? Spock no – you're not – I mean that's –" he trails off. Spock nods –

"You know better Jim – so did he. Everything it said was true – I  _am_ a monster."

" _No_ Spock –"

"Must I prove it to you Captain?" Spock snarls, frustration provoking him back into anger – "I have hurt you, used you, treated you abysmally – when the creature attacked you there was apart of me that wanted to watch while it ripped into you, raped you and broke you. I stopped it only because  _I_ wish to be the only one to do those things to you – that I try to suppress these urges only makes it worse and myself a hypocrite –"

"Spock, everyone has urges they don't like to have or admit to! Everyone struggles, that's just what feelings are – it's natural –"

"It is not natural in  _me!"_  Spock growls furiously – "Jim I beg you, do not forgive me this – you should run from me as you'd run from him –"

"Spock I'm not going anywhere."

"Do you know what it told me to do?" Spock hisses, softly, threateningly – "It told me to lose myself in you, to break you if need be and – and Jim – I  _wanted to –"_

"Spock –" Kirk says gently, as Spock almost stumbles forward, to drop onto his knees amongst the leaves next to him – "Spock I'm yours –" he reaches an arm around, his fingers caressing the side of Spock's downturned face – "I trust you." Spock hisses sharply, Kirk's touch like a knife, twisting in him. He grabs Kirk's wrist, turning to face him, eyes burning –

"You should not" he snarls – "It is  _you_ who does this to me, only you that makes control impossible –  _You –_ I should kill you for what you do to me, damn you –"

"But you won't" Kirk insists, less sure of it than he sounds.

"No" Spock agrees, almost sadly – "No Jim, I could no more kill you than I could myself – more than just never touch you again there is no part of me that can truly function without you –" he twists a hand around Kirk's neck, stroking up and down, his other hand twining fingers around to caress the wrist it holds so tightly.

"Jim –" he groans – "Jim, my life, my love, everything, k'hat n d'lawa – how do you bear it?"

"Bear what Spock?"

"You love me – I can feel it – even as I do you, how do you bear it? I fear I cannot –"

Kirk takes hold of Spock's belt to pull himself close against him, kissing the spot just beneath his ear. He trails kisses across Spock's jaw and into his neck –

"You can't ask me that Spock –" he says softly, all warm breath and kisses against Spock's skin, making him groan embarrassingly loudly – "Any more than you could ask me why I continue to breath –" he licks a long stripe up Spock's neck that causes him to almost cry –

"Spock –" Kirk says, and Spock feels his eyes prick to see those blue eyes looking at him with positive adoration – "Spock Phaedrus was wrong – you're my firs officer and a good one – but he was also right and I don't care if you  _are_ a monster, we're all divided – just make sure you keep the monster for me –"

"Jim –" Spock growls, teeth glinting in the moonlight, as an old forgotten line comes into his head, Kirk hears it in there and smirks –

"Why Mr Spock –" he grins – "What big teeth you have –"

Spock almost smiles and reaches for Kirk like he is drowning, pulling him fiercely against him so that Kirk is practically sat in his lap, pulling his head back gently and angling him back to kiss him deeply, teeth and lips and tongue – hungrily, as though to devour him. Kirk moans against his mouth and strokes Spock's neck, trying to press himself even closer to him. Spock feels his breath quicken looking down into that beautiful face and feeling those fingers tantalise his skin. He rolls his head back trying to stop the flow of fire throughout his body, but Kirk just slides his hand round to caress his throat, running his fingers slowly and sensually up and down, from his collarbone to just beneath the ear.

"Jim – please –" Spock groans – "Please stop –"

"Really Spock?" smirk's Kirk – "Do you  _really_ want me to stop?"

Spock thinks that if he does stop he might die and at the same time has an image so vivid he can almost feel it – of twisting those wrists back to throw him into the forest floor and fuck him until he breaks, scratching and snarling like an animal – he breaks the thought off harshly, with a hiss. The drowning feeling has returned, his head swimming in it –

"No –" he whispers – "Fuck – Jim, never stop touching me – I think I'd die –" uttering this so quietly, a stolen prayer in Kirk's ear – " _Fuck._ You make me so …." He groans – " _Illogical._ Jim – Jim you don't know what you do to me, what I could do to you if I were to let go –"

"Yeah Spock –" Kirk smiles, kneeling over him to look down, hands clasped around the back of Spock's neck – "Yeah I do - and you can, you don't scare me."

" _Really?_ Spock looks up at him both wonderingly and hungrily – "Perhaps you  _should_ be scared. I could hurt you – kill you –" –  _But you are beautiful beyond measure,_ he thinks –  _the closest thing to perfect I have ever seen. My Jim – you should see yourself now – your eyes, your smile, your hair in the moonlight, the silver on your skin – yes, I could consume you utterly –_

"Spock –" Kirk groans, rocking his hips maddeningly against his – "Please keep talking – 'cause there is nothing you could do to me that wouldn't work for me –"

"Can't Jim –" Spock's teeth clench, words failing – "Want you, need you, ketlio nash – veh, aitlu, aitlu – vaksurik –"

Kirk closes his eyes in the delight of victory, knowing that the lapse into Vulcan accompanies the loss of control;

"Ketlio nash – veh –" Spock repeats, lip quivering with the heat of it, hands working frantically at Kirk's belt, Kirk helping, kicking off his shoes – which are thankfully a little too big – squirming out of the clinging black leather like it is a chain around him. He drops back into his previous position to find that Spock has already taken his cock out and is obscenely hard and ready for him. This time it is Kirk who spits into his palm and rubs it into Spock's erection, Spock no longer able or even trying to stifle a cry at the feel of Kirk's hand upon him, staring up at him in worshipful adoration as the human rises to sink back down, slowly – delicious and horrifically slowly – impaling himself on the Vulcan's cock. He closes his eyes, adjusting himself to the feel, breathing out deeply to open himself further. Spock cannot take his eyes off him, roaring a wild animal roar of pleasure that subsides into a moment of stunning silence, just breathing, chest tight, before Kirk starts to move, gradually at first, the spasms around Spock's aching cock sending shudders all through him and he holds Kirk around the waist, his hands sliding up his body to remove his shirt until Kirk is perfectly naked, gold and silver in the moonlight. Spock's hands roam his back and his eyes drink in the sight of him riding his cock, one hand gripping Spock's shoulder hard and the other furiously working his own erection.

Spock tries to hold back on all utterances, knowing there are no words to be made at this point that are either necessary or make sense. But then Kirk wraps his legs around him until his ankles cross in the small of Spock's back and, necessity be damned, he cries out a perfect litany of curses mingled with Kirk's name. Wrapping a hand around the base of his cock he thrusts up into him until he is the one setting the pace, moving Kirk up and down on his cock just the way he wants him until his ecstasy mounts to breaking point and he lets Kirk sink onto him completely, holding him crushingly close as he comes, Kirk burying his head and his screams in Spock's neck, quickly following suit and coming across both of their bodies, his ankles uncrossing, limbs falling bonelessly around Spock who hold shim tight, breathing hard against his shoulder.

For a long moment Spock just holds his human close, relishing the feel of his body, warm and slumped upon him, loving that he can hold him completely in his arms like this, reach to touch every inch of his skin. Eventually he shifts, awkwardly, into a kneeling position, pressing Kirk back firmly but gently to the ground, lowering him onto his back amongst the leaves. Kirk feels the world rustle around him, the floor a curious combination of scratchy and comfortable – pleasant. He smiles up at Spock who crawls up his body like a lion ready to mount its female. He cranes his neck up to kiss but Spock pushes him back down, hands kneading his shoulders, working possessively over his chest, lost in the luxury of touching him. His eyes glint, feral in the moonlight and in that light he might be seen to grin wolfishly –

_Mine –_ he thinks to Kirk –  _my prey, my own to take, touch, taste, consume- mine, my Jim – sweet, warm, delicious human –_

He licks up Kirk's neck, tongue playing around his ear until Kirk whimpers and tries to caress him back. Spock snarls, seizing his wrists and pinning him down, growling softly and kissing him savagely, making sure Kirk knows that he is the one being kissed and not the other way around. Kirk feels the Vulcan's cock twitch back to life against his thigh and thinks –

_God, really? So soon – again?_

"Yes Jim –" Spock growls, voice thick with lust – "Again. And again, until I am satisfied."

They are the last coherent words he manages before the only sounds he can release are growls and roars. He fucks Kirk. Fucks him over and over again in the clearing in the woods, the moonlight shining through the trees. Now and then the autumn leaves fall around the, spinning slowly; but the creatures in their mating notice nothing but each other.

_x_

**Catch the Falling Leaves can be found at** <http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9612114/1/Catch-the-Falling-Leaves>


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